Hi, Im a 26 year old mother and wife. I've finally decided that i need to quit my secret smoking habit. My husband doesnt even know. Its just me... well now all of you, too. Ive been smoking for about 4 years now. Before i had my daughter 2 years ago, my husband and I would smoke all of the time. Since then we have dramatically decreased our use. At first, anyway. He quit using completely about 5 months ago and thought that i did too. He was getting way paranoid and just wanted to abruptly stop. But I wasnt ready. At first, i kept promising to quit because i knew it wasnt something i wanted to keep doing, especially as my daughter got older. But i kept smoking again, and again. My husband was getting really upset and told me i needed to stop. I agreed with him.
After maybe a day... I couldnt think about anything else, i would conceive of ways to hide it from him and get another bag. And thats what i did. I would smoke when he wasnt home, and even would take it and use it at work. I was smoking everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. I eventually got so desperate that i would smoke while my husband was in the other room. He of course caught me one day and shit hit the fan. I broke down because at the time i was so relieved to not be hiding this from him anymore. As much as i loved smoking, it was killing me having to hide it from him. So i quit again...
After about another week, i smoked again. And i've been doing it since. My mind keeps finding ways to convince myself that its ok, and that if he doesnt catch me, whats the harm? I was craving it, i would think about it all day, and i was VERY irritable if it had been longer than a day since i smoked.
But i've had it. Im sick of how controlling it is over me! Im tired of feeling like a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad employee, and a bad friend. Im overweight, lazy, and boring. I have no hobbies, or interests. I slack off in everything i do. I actually have a hard time find joy in being high anymore! Im more paranoid, and i just feel quilty all of the time. Not to mention stupid... i hate short term memory loss. I feel like im just feeding a mental addiction now, and thats not how i want to live.
Ok, i've laid it all out there...scary.
Im doing this for me now. Im scared, but determined.
Any advice welcome!