New to site, feeling anxious

[Holly]

Hi there. I'm really glad to have found this forum as I have finally decided to stop smoking weed after smoking daily for the last 14 years or so. I'll keep it brief and would be grateful for any helpful hints or just encouragement!

I suppose the problem I've always had with weed is that I don't really have a problem. Though I did use to smoke a hell of a lot more than I do now, for the last 10 years or so, my use has been moderate and controlled. I have a good job (run my own company) and recently qualified as a counsellor. I have a nice house, great boyfriend, lots of good friends, ok family, my finances are fine, health is pretty good (I have colitis but it's in remission now) etc etc. I'm not trying to show off, just making the point that weed hasn't had a hugely negative impact on my life. Though of course I'm not deluded enough to think it hasn't had any negative effect. I've often wondered just how much more I could have achieved if I hadn't been a stoner for so long.

The impetus to stop now has come from the fact that I desperately want kids (I'm nearly 35) and I've finally been lucky enough to find a wonderful man who wants the same thing. But we're both well aware that our chances of conceiving are limited by smoking and obviously I would never smoke whilst pregnant. Nor do I want to ever smoke around my children. My boyfriend's best friends are total pot heads and smoke in the house all the time regardless of whether the kids are there or not (the kids are 2 and 6). Frankly it sickens me and I don't ever want to do that.

I have always been a cigarette smoker too (since 13) but until recently had quit those for about 3 years. I've recently started smoking cigarettes during the day and have really felt the effect on my health and fitness. Before my recent colitis flare, I was super fit, running 8-12 miles a week, swimming, yoga etc etc. My illness put a stop to all that and smoking has made it harder to start again. But I'm well again now and want to get fit again.

So there's my motivation for finally calling it a day. My boyfriend and I are quitting together with our last ever joint being tonight. I've got nicotine patches and am going to use them until I'm ok with the weed. I've actually been fine all day, have felt really good actually. And on the way home I was genuinely excited about my new life. About all the things I'll be able to do now I won't be getting stoned every night.

But I'm also really really really anxious, though I'm not totally sure what about. I think my biggest fear is that I will be bored. I hope that doesn't sound too ridiculous but that's my truth. I don't think I'll have withdrawal symptoms as I don't smoke enough and haven't done when I've stopped in the past. I often said as a justification for smoking that it's a form of self medication for me to stop me being bored. Which is probably mostly bullsh1t but may have a grain of truth in it too. It's hard to be bored when you're stoned and I have a strangely pathological fear of being bored.

I've read a few of the threads already and the advice is useful. Most of it I've already been doing; like thinking of all the positive things that will come from stopping and focussing on those instead of what I am "losing". I think I'm going to be ok and am sure I won't crack and go see my dealer. I am going to throw away (or give away) all my paraphernalia, delete his number and tell my stoner friends that I have stopped and ask them to be supportive, which I am sure they will be. I have a good friend who is also a counsellor and a recovered addict (from crack etc) so he's very understanding and helpful. And my boyfriend and I are stopping together so that's good. I am starting exercise again, including yoga and have started meditating again.

I wonder if what has always drawn me to weed is that I'm a worrier and get quite anxious and worked up about things. I know that's what's drawn me to meditation and yoga, a quest for inner peace (or at least a quieter mind) which I have never really achieved. I also wonder if the weed has made my tendency towards anxiety worse in the long term, though it obviously chills me out at the time!

So I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this forum really. I think it just helps to get my story out there and if any of you have any words of wisdom, I'd really appreciate it.

[noot]

Hi Holly,
your post reminds me a lot of me - I am also working on quitting but don't feel like pot has screwed up my life so much. In some ways, that's making it harder. Because we are planning on kids soon though, I am trying to give up. I was doing really well for a while but am finding it harder and harder right now. Not sure what to do about that - I think getting rid of all your stash etc. is a good move as is all the other steps you have taken. Quitting with your partner and spending more times with your friends will hopefully also help. My husband does not know quite the extent of my problem so while he knows I have given up, he doesn't realize how difficult it is going to be for me. I realize that spending time out of the house and with other people is the best way for me to avoid the temptation - but it has been pretty difficult lately. Esp. last week when my husband went away for a week - I have found myself smoking again but not as much as before. I tell myself that it's okay for now, but at the same time, I feel like I could just as easily slide back into my old unhealthy habits - and if I didn't want to have kids, maybe that would be okay but for now it's better that I stop. So hang in there and try to resist temptation - it is a lot harder than I thought it would be!

[noot]

oops, I forgot to add, that my biggest problem is also feeling "bored" - at first I channeled it into being SUPER productive. It was amazing how much work I could get done when I wasn't sitting around stoned all the time. But when I was left alone, I"d quickly run through my 'to do' list and then it felt like I was killing time till I could go to bed. It's much much harder when I am alone - when I am around other people it is not as bad. I don't know how to get over this feeling.

[BFB]

Hi Holly and welcome,

The good news is the anxiety is perfectly normal, more normal than not having it. I know what you mean, I am not sure any of us know what we expect when we share our story with a group like this but sometimes we feel just as if we have to share it and just doing so in its self can sometimes bring a certain amount of relief.

I also know what you mean about the boredom thing, a lot of this quitting business is a mind game and fighting boredom is often the biggest challenge of all, that’s why you really have to make a super mega effort IMO to immerse yourself in all the things that you enjoy and to build the new kind of life that you want to live rather than just expecting it to happen by its self, it does take some hard work but I am certain you will be pleased you did it in the end!

Take care and please keep us posted.

All the best,

[Holly]

Hi guys, I'm back!! my boyfriend and I fell off the wagon fairly spectacularly and honestly I'm smoking more now than even before, cigarettes especially during the day and a £20 bag of skunk a week now. But as my wise counsellor ex addict friend said, relapses are part of the experience and the important thing is to learn from them. We're stopping smoking again as of tomorrow (Monday) morning so I thought I would get myself back over here for some support.

We've been trying for a baby since last August and still haven't had any luck. Initially it was actually quite good stopping smoking, I was surprised how easy it was. At first. I had so much more energy, my mood was better, motivation went through the roof and though I did sometimes struggle to fill my evenings (which was always my main time for smoking), it wasn't as bad as I thought. The good things like the increased motivation outweighed the bad things like not always being able to sleep.

But then we carried on NOT getting pregnant and we gradually slid back into it. And this has been my important learning. Cannabis is and probably always has been a way for me to manage my emotions. Apart from trying and failing to get pregnant, there's been quite a few other major stressors in my life over the past few months (job, family, friends, relationship, money) which culminated in me going back to see my counsellor for a few sessions. I've got a better handle on things now and feel I'm in a better place. And obviously the fact that we're both smoking weed is probably a major contributory factor to us not getting pregnant. And now I'm super paranoid that all the weed and tobacco I've smoked for the past 15 years or so has something awful and irreversible to my eggs and I'll never get pregnant. On the plus side I've barely had a drink for the last few weeks, for some reason I've gone right off it. Tried to have a drink last night and only managed a few sips so that's a good thing.

The other thing that worries me now is that it's always been kind of our thing. I've never been out with a stoner before and honestly it's just been so great to finally be able to share it with someone. My ex was really anti which drove me crazy but did massively restrict my consumption. Anyway, it's our thing. We get stoned whilst watching tv together, before, during and after sex, in bed, the works. I imagine it's going to change our relationship and wondered if any other ex stoners have any thoughts on this. We did manage to stop for about a month originally last year and were ok so maybe I'm worrying about nothing.

So I think boredom, our relationship changing and being able to manage difficult emotions are going to be my three main challenges. I'm stopping smoking tobacco too, honestly that bothers me more than the weed. I've been waking up with a sore throat every morning though still want to smoke straight away, have to sneak around at work to have a cigarette at lunchtime, haven't been running for months and am in a constant state of nicotine withdrawal irritability.

I read an interesting article about working with addiction in clients which essentially said that all addictions act to meet otherwise unfulfilled emotional / psychological needs. If you can figure out which needs are being met by the addiction, you can figure out healthier ways to meet those needs and ditch the addiction.(I'm happy to share the article either on here or I'll email it to anyone who's interested, PM me). So in my case, I think cannabis has always been about managing emotions. Looking back, I started smoking when I was at uni when going through a particularly difficult time in my relationship at the time and it has become my emotional crutch and coping mechanism since then. It really came home to me last week when working with a client who said she started smoking weed because she didn't want to "feel angry or sad, or anything. I just didn't want to feel anything." You don't need to be a counsellor to know that isn't a healthy way to live!

So I'm going to post a list of my reasons for stopping and the good things I will gain that I can bookmark and look back at when I'm feeling weak. Sorry, I realise this is a really long post, hopefully it'll be of some help to others as well as myself.

* To give us the best change of getting pregnant

* For my physical health - will be able to run again

* To free up time to do the things I need and want to do, namely
* Work harder at work, save my business, make more money
* Keep my house tidier and cleaner and more organised
* Play piano
* Do knitting and other hobbies that I can't be arsed with now
* Spend more time with non stoner friends
* Generally live life more fully

* So I can finally live an emotionally congruent life where I actually feel my feelings instead of stoning them into submission. This is a very scary prospect as I grew up in a family where we just don't do feelings other than anger so this is hard. But it's obviously vital for living a fully fledged authentic life.

* To save £25 a week which I am going to put in my money jar and save up for a new awesome tattoo (already got 4!)

* My skin will look better and once I'm able to exercise properly again my body will be a fabulously toned temple once again!!

I think that's it for now. Sorry again for such a long post.

[reeviint]

I also know what you mean about the boredom thing, a lot of this quitting business is a mind game and fighting boredom is often the biggest challenge of all, that’s why you really have to make a super mega effort IMO to immerse yourself in all the things that you enjoy.

[Holly]

So day 2 of no weed. So far so good. Much to my disappointment, after a blazing row with my OH last night, I drove to the shop at 10.30pm and bought some tobacco and had 2 cigarettes. I had another 1 tonight and am going to have another one now. I'm pissed off with myself but at the same time pleased that I didn't go buy any weed. I'm torn. On the one hand, maybe stopping smoking weed and cigarettes at the same time is too ambitious. On the other hand, I know you should throw away all your paraphernalia when you quit a drug and obviously tobacco and papers count. And I want my lungs to heal as well as my brain. I don't know. Things are very rocky in my relationship at the moment so part of me wants to use that as an excuse to start again and postpone quitting to a time when things are better. But part of me knows that's bullshit. And since a really big motivator for quitting was so we could get pregnant but we've put that on the back burner for now, I've lost some motivation.

God knows, I'm just thinking out loud. And taking it a day at a time. I'm hoping the cravings get easier with time. I know my biggest trigger is being at home alone in the evenings so I've made sure I'm busy and home late every night this week. If I had a pound for every time I've cancelled or avoided plans and rushed home so I could get stoned, I'd be very rich indeed. I'm worried about the upcoming 4 day weekend but am going to stop worrying about it now and cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Nate]

Hi Holly! I'm also on day 2, but I've done this many times before. It is really hard when things like alcohol, tobacco and weed all seem to go hand-in-hand. I think it is okay that you smoke an occasional cig here or there, you're not smoking weed, and that's the main goal, right? Just keep finding thing to occupy your mind and time. Ever try sudoku? I'm a bit addicted to that. I haven't been through your other posts (I saw the 2 day thing and felt like replying), so I haven't seen what else you've posted. Do you have any hobbies? Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship, I hope your partner can be more supportive. Take care!

[Holly]

Hi Holly! I'm also on day 2, but I've done this many times before. It is really hard when things like alcohol, tobacco and weed all seem to go hand-in-hand. I think it is okay that you smoke an occasional cig here or there, you're not smoking weed, and that's the main goal, right? Just keep finding thing to occupy your mind and time. Ever try sudoku? I'm a bit addicted to that. I haven't been through your other posts (I saw the 2 day thing and felt like replying), so I haven't seen what else you've posted. Do you have any hobbies? Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship, I hope your partner can be more supportive. Take care!

Hi Nate. This is only my 2nd serious attempt at quitting. You're right, smoking 1 or 2 cigs a day is much better than where I was 4 days ago when I was smoking probably 6 cigarettes during the day then 2-4 spliffs every night. Last Saturday I woke up at 8.30am, started smoking weed and kept at it all day and night. I felt absolutely rank afterwards.

I do have a few hobbies. Exercise is the main one, I used to be super fit, doing 2 or 3 triathlons a year and I even ran a mad 13 mile tough guy type race summer before last. I was still smoking weed then but no cigs. Then I got ill with colitis for quite a long time and I'm still not back up to my previous levels of fitness. I'm desperate to get back to running and have been listening to my favourite running songs to keep me motivated. I think I need to give my lungs another few days to recover before I try though. So exercise, knitting (!) and piano. I've played since I was 9 and used to play every day until I went to uni. It's a tragedy really cos I was pretty good really and though I can still play pretty well, I'm miles away from where I used to be. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day, I never feel like I'm on top of housework so this kind of stuff takes a back seat. Obviously if I spent less time being stoned, I'd have more free time!

I've been keeping myself busy, yoga on Monday night, late back from work yesterday and swimming, steam, jacuzzi and supermarket tonight. Yoga again tomorrow so that's the week sorted. I think what I'm really struggling with is the whole reward thing. I've had a tough day at work (things are pretty full on at work too), have done well by going swimming, going shopping, having a nice dinner and getting a few chores done. So I want to reward myself. With a joint, cos that's what I've always done. But the main reason I've done all that stuff and am feeling so good is because I haven't had a smoke since Sunday night.

Today's been the best day. I've felt really good all day, upbeat, energetic, motivated and I know that's because I haven't been toking. But I'm still craving like crazy, though I know that if I caved and got some, I'd be really pissed off with myself and hate myself. And I've been ****ing up at work, making basic mistakes all of which I've just about got away with but I can't keep on dropping the ball like this and I know it's because my brain is so fried.

Thanks . We've just chatted and he says he's absolutely gasping for a joint. I said I feel the same but we need to stick to it. I said let's take it one day at a time and give ourselves time to feel the benefits. There's a real danger that one of us is going to be tempted and if the other one is also feeling tempted at that point then we're just going to cave. That's how it was last time we quit.

I'd be interested to hear about your experiences of quitting and any hints or tips you might have. I've been writing a bit in a diary each morning describing what's going on so I can look back when I'm tempted to motivate myself. And obviously this forum is really helpful. So thanks to the admin! xx

[Nate]

I'm not sure how many tips I have, especially ones that I've actually used. The first time I quit, it was because I joined the military, and if I failed a drug test the consequences could've been devastating for me. Since I've been out of the military I think the longest time I went without smoking was maybe 4-5 months. I try not to keep track of the days since I quit, I feel that that complicates the whole process even more, but it seems to be motivational for others. Usually when I try to quit it's because I'm fed up with myself and the way I'm living, especially when I get lazy and let important things in my like fall apart. I'm lucky I have pretty strong willpower, just the desire not to smoke seems to be enough for me. Currently I'm trying not to flunk out of college, and abstaining from smoking is pretty much a must. I have tons of catch up work to do, but when I feel that I have some down time that's when it gets tempting. Right now I'd really like to smoke, and what's worse is that it's not hard for me to get. In a perfect world situation none of my friends would smoke, and I wouldn't be able to buy it myself, and the urges would just go away. I just have to keep fighting.

So, I guess it's all about focusing on what's truly important. For me is it getting high, sitting around watching movies/TV while neglecting my homework and other responsibilities, or is it graduating and not getting kicked out of school (I am on the last string)? I think keeping a diary/journal is a great idea. I enjoy reading, it really gets my mind out of the gutter for a while. I really should get back into exercising, that's just great all around. Have you tried the e-cigarets? I don't know much about them, but they seem to be helping a lot of people quit smoking. That could help ease the desire of puffing on something. Also, chewing gum or sucking on candy, I haven't really tried those. Maybe there's some herbal supplements out there that can help? Tea maybe? Having conversations and reading this forum helps too. I'm glad I found it. Keep on keeping on!