my names Julie, I'm 22 y/o and there is no doubt in my mind that i am an addict and an alcoholic. i started smoking weed when i was 15 years old, it never really was a problem until i was about 20. i started smoking every single day, spending my whole paycheck on it, and completely obsessing. i was smoking 6 grams a day on my own. people say you can't get addicted to weed, but you can, i completely did. i was also snorting perks and i did cocaine a few times also. 6 weeks ago, july 3rd 2012, i checked myself into a detox and rehab. i am sober today still. this is my first time trying to get clean. its only 6 weeks though. I'm struggling so much. I'm craving terribly, and its honestly a miracle from God that i have stayed clean. i am so physically uncomfortable, restless, i can't sleep, and i am still obsessing over the damn drug. alcohol was a problem for me too. i wasn't a daily drinker, but i drank very alcoholically. id drink to get drunk. i never could just have one drink, id want to get absolutely wasted and id black out more often then not. i never understood, and still don't understand why people drink if they're not going to get drunk. makes no sense to me. i keep having drug dreams when i do finally fall asleep. i feel like I'm going insane. i can't focus, i have a headache, and I'm really agitated and antsy. everything pisses me off. i don't like being like this, but i can't control it. i go to meetings every single day, i have a sponsor, and I'm going through the "big book".
i don't know if I've hit my rock bottom. i didn't lose everything like a lot of other people. i still live at home with my mother, i never got kicked out. i sold my car though. i almost lost relationships with my family, and i have definitely shattered relationships with some of my old best friends, people i don't even talk to anymore. the one thing that i lost the most though was myself. i was dead inside. i couldn't look at myself in the mirror, i hated myself. i had no idea what i was doing in my life. i didn't have a job, i wasn't in school anymore because i failed all my classes and pretty much got kicked out. i couldn't have normal relationships with anybody because i was terrified of rejection. i know this is because of certain things in my past, things I'm not about to talk about so publicly, if i get to know you better, i will tell you if you ask me.
i have an intense urge to relapse. i want to do drugs i have never done before. i want to get so high i forget my name, where i am. so high i forget everything. i know if i relapse, it will definitely be with the weed, but i will absolutely get fully addicted to the pain pills and eventually cocaine. I will end up overdosing. if i relapse, i will die eventually as a direct result from drugs and alcohol. ill always be chasing a bigger and better high, because i am an addict. I will do as many drugs as possible, as much as possible, but it won't be enough. it is never enough. Just like how i was 6 weeks ago, i will completely lose myself again in the drug scene and i will build up a tolerance to the drugs.
i just got an amazing job as a teachers assistant at a daycare. it is my dream job because i love children. i have an amazing boyfriend who i love with all my heart. he is not an addict, doesn't drink, he's such a good guy. I'm starting to get over a relationship i was in for 6 years that was very abusive. I'm starting to find myself again, starting to love myself. and yet i want to use. absolute insanity. that is the only way to describe it. the obsessiveness, the preoccupation i have with drugs and drinking. for some reason i enjoy doing illegal things. its like a rush. on my way to pick up, before i even smoked, i would almost feel high just because i knew i was about to get high. the fact that i would even consider to give up everything for one thing proves to me that i am an addict. it takes just one bad decision to screw all this up. you either get clean, or you die. thats it. at least for me.
i need some help though, i need some guidance. i don't care if your gay, straight, bi, a man, a woman, what your drug of choice is. i don't care if you have 1 day clean or 25 years. i give really good advice, so hmu. send me an email or something.