Finally Ready to Take That Step - My Journal
First and foremost let me say how thankful I am that there is this community where I can go any time of the day and gain strength. I, like many of you, am trying to quit. It's funny how things work out. When I first started dating my now wife, about 8 years ago, I did not touch the stuff. My wife on the other hand was a daily smoker however I did not have any desire to join her puffing. After about 3 years on a camping trip I decided to toke it up. Over time I began smoking more and more.
One day I suffered a traumatic anxiety attack when I was stoned. That was all I needed to quit. It seemed so easy at the time. It took an event like that to realize that pot is not for some people, me being one of them. There was more to my anxiety than the smoking. It was merely a trigger that mitigated my anxiety. After seeking therapy, taking anti-anxiety medication and growing mentally I was able to overcome my anxiety, but still had no desire to smoke.
Over the next couple of years the idea of smoking became more and more appealing until one day I decided to give it a go. It was everything good that I remembered. Part of me was happy that I was mentally in a good place to smoke again but at the same but part of me was worried that I may get another anxiety attack or start smoking too much. Over time my smoking became more frequent and long story short here I am a marijuana addict. The ironic part is that my wife does not smoke often and is completely non-dependent on pot. Me on the other hand is a different story.
For so long I was in denial about being an addict. It wasn't until I caught myself sneaking behind my wife's back to get high that I realized it. Many days all I could think of was getting home from work so I could smoke and I continue to have those feelings today. I can honestly say that marijuana has damaged relationships with some of the people closest to me, including my wife. It has put a major strain on our marriage. My wife tells me I'm a different person when I am stoned and that she doesn't want to be around me when I am. I feel like I am not in control of my own mind and am extremely weak when it comes to not smoking. It's even come down to my wife hiding the smoking devices so I won't know where they are. It feels like nothing is as enjoyable unless I am stoned and for that I am ashamed. I long for the days when I didn't smoke and found enjoyment in the littlest of things.
I am finally at the point where I am ready to make a change. I was able to go for 3 days without smoking last week which was big for me. The weekend was a different story and this week has I have a long ways to go however but I know that I can do it. Part of me believes that I will be able to get to the point where I can recreationaly use socially but another part of me believes I have to fully commit to quitting for life to really reap the benefits. For now I am just trying to stay strong and prove to my wife and to myself that I can live a happy, sober life that I used to live.
I am glad to know I am not alone and am amazed by the stories that I read on this forum. Thank you and stay strong everybody.
*I plan to use this thread as a journal of sorts and update it throughout my recovery and hope that someone will gain some inspiration from my story. Thanks.
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