Hey peeps. New to this forum. I'm just reaching the end of my tether to be honest and im worried that if I carry on like this, im going to lose my mind. Apologises if I ramble a bit:
So here goes, I started smoking soap bar (street hash) when I was in my mid teens. At the time it was a social thing and I could take it or leave it. At around 18 I got a girlfriend and stopped smoking altogether. Things were great! I was popular and doing well at school.
...Then, it was off to uni. My gf broke up with me before we went our seperate ways. I was gutted and took it very badly...but I bottled it all up. After all, who was
i going to tell? All the new strange people at uni who I had just met!!? - Great conversation starter! As for my family, I thought I would look really weak if I came crawling back to mummy and daddy! So I did nothing but bury it deep inside me. After a year at uni, I was rarely going out and had few friends. Then someone in my flat got some cannabis and I thought I remember that! Over the summer I smoked a lot. I came back to my home town and most of my own brothers were also smoking it! (my parents didnt know). When I got back to uni, I made friends with a few stoners and spent the rest of my time at uni getting high. We rarely went out and I had few friends again.
By the time I graduated (21) I was starting to feel depressed and anxious a lot. Even worse, one of my brothers suffered cannabis enduced psychosis and was admitted into hospital. On top of that, I was (and still am a virgin!). I hadnt (and still havent) had a girlfriend since I was 18! - something that played (and still plays) on my mind ALOT! I had next to no close friends from my university (apart from a few stoners) so I thought I would make a real effort to quit cannabis and smoking (tobacco). At the same time I got a job and for a year, I cut down a lot. However, I was still living in the family home. My brothers in their teens often come knocking on my door late at night offering me a joint/share a joint - something that is extremley hard to resist.
Doing well to cut it down, I went back to university (aged 22). I thought that if I could live away from home, become socially active again and network, I could leave weed behind for good and start a drug free life. However, it didnt go so well at university. I could only afford accomodation for 3/4 of the year and had to move back home towards the end. I couldnt quite network as well as I hoped I would and began to suffer really bad withdrawal (dissaccociation). To this day I am really socially anxious, even around pretty good friends - the worse part is that I fear/make no attempt to maintain or rekindle friendships - I always fear that they dont like me or that really, they dont want to know me...even if they are trying to make contact!
After being at home for a few months. I was smoking with my brothers again daily. My mum had encouraged me to work at the family buisness (located at our house) while I studied. The job is high stress, has nothing to do with what I have studied and is not something I want to do in the future. I had begun the job expecting to only do it for a year and I wanted to escape the family home and the temptation of cannabis for good. But my mum, struggling for workers and keen for me to find alternative housing and employment insisted that I keep working there! (Note: She is not aware of any of the problems I am currently facing).
...So...since then (in sept 2012) I have been smoking heavily, everyday. I have sought proffessional help for the first time (am taking Beta blockers) but I played up the anxiety and played down my drug use (as i'm so ashamed). Im still single, no house of my own, no friends and no hobbies. I float around in a stoned bubble, oblivious to everything OR i'm climbing the walls and counting the seconds until my next joint...those are my only emotional states now. I feel hopeless and depressed. I have tried repeatadly to stop but I keep slipping back into the habbit : ( I have no social life and im still a virgin : ( I think about all the dreams I have, the goals I want to reach in my life and the hopes that I have for myself - and I am achieving none of them : ( There are people my age (24) out there living their lifes, partying, socialising, having fun and then theres me...****ed beyond repair. Im starting to think that i've wrecked my life for good and occassionally I wish for death, because then I wouldnt have to deal with shitty life anymore.
So where do I go from here? I feel trapped by my situation. Bare in mind that my parents are clue-less to all this. They know I and my brothers smoke (tobacco) and that one of my brothers had "cannabis issues" but thats it, they know nothing about my anxiety issues, depression and beta blockers prescription.
On top of that, I cant explain how much shame I feel. I see myself as nothing more that a stoned loser. A drug addict. Generally, I dont like myself and havent for a while. How can I look my own parents in then face and tell then everything i've just said?!!!?? How can I trust them not to go crazy at me/my other brothers????!!!! As I have said, I've told no-one this, not even my doctor, just been bottling it up.
Does anyone have any advice specifically given all that i've said? Im starting to reach the end of the line a bit : (