a while back i was on this forum, posting fairly regulary for 3 weeks or so..well, cut a long story short, i relapsed. have gone about a month smoking heavily, at least 10 pound a day. this shit is killing me. its a lovely sunny day, and here i am, having eaten virtually nothing for two days, sleep deprived, about to smoke yet another joint.
i hate this so much. im going to quit, after this spliff. but in the meantime, some thoughts..
i dont know where i stand with regards to addiction. am i diseased? or just weak-willed? or brainwashed into obsessing over a problem, that then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy?
while im not denying the literal reality of addiction, i think that the identification of yourself as "an addict" is unhelpful..and leads to adopting the suggested characteristics that follow. the more i acknowledge a problem with addiction, the more i seem to follow stereotypical addiction behaviour.
i mean, hell, the buddhists think identification with even physical form is illusion, so it follows that this concept in my mind of myself as an addict is just a thought, nothing more. but it leads to an ever increasing spiral of negative thoughts, and actions.
theres a quote, much expounded - "whether you think you can, or whether you think you cant, your probably right"... i think it runs deeper than that, and it depends on the identity of the thinker. perhaps then, doubt could be placed on the "first step" of addiction recovery.. to admit you are, "an addict".
of course, that sounds ridiculous. and do please bear in mind that im rolling my second spliff right now, so i certainly shouldnt be trusted. its just, well...ive admitted to myself im an addict for five or six years now, and while i have made numerous attempts to give up, honestly, most of that time has been spent getting stoned in a haze of self loathing. so im just questioning things.
so, to continue, im not saying that people dont have the best intentions, and obviously for some, the words do get through, and they quit and lead happier lives. for myself, and countless others, the words have no effect. they dont help, and maybe that comes down to some kind of root misunderstanding. in addiction literature, focus is generally placed on the specific dependence - ganja/gambling/sex/alcohol/ heroin etc - but put all of these groups together, and all addicts share several character traits, so this points to a common thread of experience. it could be said escapism is the root, a desire to hide from reality.. but perhaps that is itself an effect of something deeper. who is the one that is hiding?
aw shucks, well. third spliff time. and then yeah! its gone (relief) and i can maybe even go out and enjoy this glorious sunset coming. itd be nice to hear any thoughts, if this provokes any. but anyway, hi to you all again.. in about ten minutes i shall be once again a member of this unique little community, so hello to you all again, its nice to be back!