Hi, I'm Mat, been a pothead for 15 years, quit a month ago, it's 11pm here in Paris.
I'm in my room, my brother just knocked my door and asked for "one or two cigarettes". They are currently smoking weed in my brother's room, next to mine.
I'm living with 2 roommates, my little brother and a girl, they're 28 and 25, I'm 32.
Tonight, two girls who are friends of my brother came for dinner. The first one of them is Clara (fake name). She's a pothead. She's smoking everyday since a very long time and she ALWAYS have some weed with her. When she's coming to our flat, or anybodies' else, you can be sure that she will roll a joint within 5 minutes. And she usually rolls one every half-hour. She's doesn't have any problem with being a pothead. She doesn't want to quit and just love to smoke. I'm not arguing about that.
Well I never liked her. She talks a lot and loud just to say uninteresting bullshit, she's rude. And just because I am the brother of his friend she thinks I'm her friend too. But I'm not.
Well I decided I won't eat or drink with them because :
1. I don't like this girl, she annoys me
2. they are smoking weed.
Thus I stayed in my room.
So tonight they've smoked and drunk a lot, and now they're laughing loud watching random stupid videos I guess on my brother's computer. I was watching some videos and their laughs disturbed me.
I know that not so long ago I could have been with them smoking and drinking and being stupidly happy for nothing at the moment. It is not that I want to smoke, I don't want to, but they are disturbing me. I just find them pathetic and they inspire me pity. But still, they are disturbing me, I would prefer if they were not there, I feel really irritated. Their stupidity irritates me. Or maybe just the noise, or just because they're are smoking. Maybe a little bit of all.
I'm listening to Chopin to calm me down, and it is beautiful.
I know that I have to leave this flat and live without people smoking, but for the moment I do not have a job so it is rather difficult. So I have to deal with it.
So I'm writing all of this because I feel irritated and I wanted to share. I just read a thread in another forum "What to do if you feel like using cannabis". The answer is to write in the forum. I don't want to smoke, but it's weed related, so that's what I do.
So I despise them. To despise someone who's done nothing to you is not a good thing. I both despise them and feel sorry for them. I feel smarter than them. I think I shouldn't waste my time living with people that I consider uninteresting.
I don't want to be a hater, but I feel alone. Not only about the subject of weed, but about a lot of other subjects. I like people who drive their life the way they want. I don't like people who are subjected to their life. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. He's a great person in many ways and we get on very well together. But I can not talk about litterature, movies, politics, because I just feel way ahead of him. I know it sounds very pretentious, but I can't lie to myself. I would say that I am more intellectual than he is. But that's not really the matter. The matter is that he won't even try to change. But who am I to judge ?
My brother is a part-time weed addict : he never buys weed, but when there is some he'll always smoke. Perhaps that I'm wrong, but I think he sees this girl Clara very often because of that. In a way I hope so, I prefer to think he spends time with her because he is addicted rather than he would find her interesting. I don't know. Again, it must be a little bit of both. I shouldn't judge him. He has the friends he wants to have. But she's a pain in the ass. Maybe I just should tell him like that : "you know what, your friend is just a giant pain in the ass and you are just wasting your time by seeing her". But the call of tha weed will be stronger than anything else.
And just right now as I'm writing Clara knocked at my door, asked for 2 cigarettes, and came to see what I was doing on my computer. Stinking alcohol with her usual stupid smile. I quickly switched the page to hide her what I was doing, she noticed it, told me so, and asked if I was writing. I answered "yes", and she left. Now she's out of the flat, and that's a relief.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not really the type of guy who let himself annoyed by people. I can be nasty and aggressive with people I despise, and I'm not proud of it. Usually I'm a coward because I'm nasty with people that I feel are weak and will not respond to me.
I know that tonight, if I had let myself expressing to Clara my feelings of loathing, I would have been very excessive and everybody would have thought I was coming out of nowhere and think I was crazy.
But there are three facts that prevent me to put her back in her place :
1. she's my brother's friend (but that's not a good excuse)
2. I "used" her many times when I was not sober, had nothing to smoke, but still wanted to. I was feeling like a ***** sucking her **** to be the next to smoke the joints she rolled. How pathetic is that ? Behaving like a ***** just to get some hits of weed from someone you don't like ? That's one of reason why being an addict is just humiliating. You're humiliating yourself with behaviors like that.
3. and I know that I may be very irritated because a part of my mind still want to smoke.
I heard my other roommate knocking at their door too. I guess she wanted to smoke too. She's a part-time addict too : she doesn't buy much, but when there is some weed she will do anything to smoke. She won't tell "omg I want to smoke weed please give me some !". No. She will talk to you about something else, pretending to be not interested, laugh, manipulate you, but all that she wants is smoking. And for me it is so obvious. How degrading is that. At least *****s don't pretend to not be *****s. It's much much worse. And I was like that too.
Well, enough complains for tonight. That worked well for me to write down my anger, it gave me even more motivation !
Peace (if I may)