Weed relapse on day 5 :(

[InsectMutant]

Okay, so I managed to make it through the week, 5 days... til Friday. I was feeling positive and I think the physical withdrawals were coming to an end already. After work on Friday I knew I had to break the cycle. I don't have a social life anymore so I thought I would blitz the house and clear out some of the junk which had built up over the years. Whilst doing this I came across a lump of weed. Only enough to make a couple of joints. So what was I to do. I thought about if for a couple of hours. I eventually justified it to myself that I would take an evening off from my worries, and the many daunting hours of the weekend which lay ahead. 'It's only a couple of doobers, I'm still going to give up', I said to myself. I thought a couple of hours break from my quitting would be good. What an idiot...

So I smoked, initially feeling some relief. Then I had an overwhelming sensation that what I was doing was very wrong. And that I had betrayed myself, and let myself down after being so positive and determined. I spent the evening writing down my thoughts, why I was giving up, the benefits, what I wanted from life etc. (which actually reads like drivel now, I could've written and expressed myself so much better without the weed).

When I woke on Saturday I didn't feel too bad. I dosed myself up with caffeine and went to visit an old friend. She's an alcoholic (I am too, 3yrs sober). We had a great chat and a walk on the beach. It felt really good talking to someone who understood what I was going through. It felt good breaking the cycle. I was out and about and not shut away from the world festering in my own thoughts. In the evening I spent some time with my mum, happy to relax, watch some telly and chat. Again, something I would not have felt comfortable doing when I was smoking alot. Normally I wouldn't want to 'waste' the smoking time. Normally I'd feel anxious and have to retreat quickly for another doober, to get another hit. But this was good. Progress eh...

Then Sunday (yesterday) I awoke. All my positive energy seemed to have disappeared. I was filled with negative thoughts. I didn't want to go out, see anyone, talk to anyone. I didn't want to do anything constructive. I didn't want to do anything whatsoever. I spent most of the day watching some rubbish on the television and pacing up and down not knowing what to do with myself. I'd go upstairs for nothing, then go back downstairs again. I was behaving like a crazy person. What a mess. I felt hopeless, worthless and couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I actually came to the conclusion that I would be better off dead than have to go through this hell. Let me point out, right now, that i would never contemplate suicide, ever. I wouldn't do that to my family. I see it as a completely selfish act which would just end up leaving my family distraught. I would never do this, but I was still feeling like death would be so much easier than life. Such terrible thoughts.

My physical withdrawal symptoms were back. Headaches, nausea, upset stomach, anxiousness, loss of appetite. Oh god, here we go again. I felt so sorry for myself, full of self pity. I barely slept, and spent the night reading by torch light. Now it was Monday (today) and I had to go to work. I really couldn't face it. When i thought of my plight and what lay ahead I just started welling up. I could've cried so many times, but I tried to resist breaking down. I forced myself to go to work, I felt utterly lousy, ashamed and disgusted. I made so much progress in those 5 days of quitting and here I was going through the withdrawals all over again. I can't do this all over again. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep going through this detox period. Psychologically I knew that a few more blips in my recovery and I may well lose my grip on reality altogether and go insane. I can't handle going through this over and over again...

I went to work, via the supermarket, as I do each morning. Walking round Asda I choking back the tears...

I felt v.slightly better being at work, not great at all, but work provided me with some solace from myself. While I'm working hard I have no time to think about my troubles or wallow in self pity. I still felt dreadful.

Now I'm at home writing this. I've eaten a good meal of shepherds pie and vegetables, I was actually famished. I feel a little bit better. I'm back on track and determined. But the clock has been reset. 5 days pretty much down the drain. So now I'm on day 3 (again), and it's nearly over. Ready for day 4.

So was it worth smoking those couple of doobers? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Mentally I'm in a worse place than before. Those two lousy joints has had such an impact on my mind. It made me feel like I'd be better off dead, for god's sake. Two frikkin joints, which didn't even make me feel great when I was smoking them! All I felt was guilt and a feeling that it was very wrong.

I'm not going to let this happen again. Psychologically I don't think I can handle going through this again. I can't believe two doobers had such an effect. What it did to me mentally scares me... The thoughts that go through my head. The attitude it creates. The negativity. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. And the thought that death would be better than life confirms that what I'm doing is right.

I've never felt so sure about giving up than I do now. Those two joints may have been awful for me, but in a way I think they helped, but only to reaffirm what I'm doing. My head's still a complete mess. If I knew what that tiny bit of weed was going to do to my mind I would've thrown it out, which I should've done in the first place.

At this current moment in time I feel positive. I know the road ahead is going to be bumpy as hell, but when i read some of your posts which say things like 'it will all be worth it in the end, just stick with it' and 'life is so much better without it', I'm filled with hope. So thank you to everyone who has expressed themselves on here, and shared their experiences. I just hope I feel some positivity when I wake tomorrow, and in days to come. It can't get any worse than what how I've been feeling these past two days.

I'm sorry for writing so much, I had to get this off my chest. Best wishes to you all.x.

[Earthkid]

Hi IM..I dont have long, so sorry for being brief but just wanted to say sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself but in my opinion you have gained so much more than you 'lost'..5 days in the past is a small step back if you gain years of being clean!! It seems to me you gained so much from your relapse that will help you immensely in the future and I for one cannot thank you enough for posting this whole experience!! I'm on day 14 now after 19 years and caught myself wondering what i would do if I found some old stuff somewhere in my house..NOW, after reading this, I hope hope hope I have the strength to throw it away.

Thank you so much and a massive well done for getting straight back on track. Keep going please, your story (highs and lows included) is helping others just like you
Warmest wishes
Earthkid x

[Tuffluck]

A lot of the things you mentioned such as depression, negativity, bad feelings etc really struck me because I went through something like that very recently myself.

However, what triggered my episodes I concluded was excessive alcohol. But regardless, I know the feeling and it is really terrible.

I just wanted to say you are not alone.. a lot of your post reminded me of my current self. Good luck man.

[BFB]

Hey InsectMutant,

Yes the old finding a bit lying around the house test, I am sure many of us have fallen at that hurdle, oh well never mind, at the end of the day relapsing can be part of quitting, not that we want it to be but unfortunately it can be the case. The main thing is to get back on the wagon and by the sound of it you are even more determined not to let it happen again so at least hopefully there will be something positive to come out of it.

Take care and please keep us posted.

All the best,

[InsectMutant]

Thanks for the warm replies, Tuffluck & BFB.

Day 6 now, and mentally I don't feel too bad. I'm certainly better than I was on Sunday/Monday, that was awful. Physically I feel like utter garbage. I've had a stomach ache, on and off (mainly on) for 5 days now. Last night I was doubled over in pain. My kidneys have been aching for a few days too. I guess theyre working overtime, detoxing my system. Appetite isn't great but I'm trying to eat. 5 days of feeling ill is draining me a bit, and I'm starting to get a little bit fed up with it. But I really should expect this. 22yrs of being stoned... of course I'm gonna have some pretty savage withdrawals. I'm really struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep too. I've had about 2-3hrs sleep each night this week.

I really want to get back into the gym, I know it's gonna help my mood and sweating may get it out quicker, but when my alarm goes off in the morning after practically no sleep, I have barely any energy. I must really force myself next week.

I'm going to run a super hot bath in a mo, it really seemed to help then other night. And at the weekend I plan to do alot of cycling, with masses of clothes on, so I can sweat like a maniac. I just want this stuff out of me and not to feel ill.

I spoke to a friend today who I haven't seen for ages. He was a heavy smoker too and gave up a few years ago. He couldn't remember having syptoms at all! The lucky bast.

Whilst I'm going through these bad times I will keep reminding myself of what he said.... "Giving up the weed was the best thing I've ever done!"

[redders]

Stick with it mate....Maybe go for a swim and go sit in the sauna afterwards to help sweat all the crap out.

Good luck.

[Distantshores]

Hello, a few words of advice...

There needs to be structure, simply quitting forever is too vague and overwhelming at times. You WILL get better, it will get easier, right now you need to focus on that FACT. For me I felt bad for a week, had trouble sleeping for maybe up to two. Shoot for two weeks, you are already half way there, and you said it yourself, you feel better, you are reaching the top of the hill and after that it will be easier.

The two week mark will be a day of significance, and it shouldn't be the last, make more, many more. On December 12 I made an END year resolution to quit, when the new year arrived it was a day of significance to me because I already had a head start on all the other people making their vows, it gave me a sense of power to know that I was already more accomplished than them and that helped me. My next day is May 14, because it is my birthday and if I were to make it to that date it would be TWICE as long as my longest period of sobriety ever, can you imagine the incredible feeling I will have when I reach that date?

May 14 is a long ways out, you need to do the same thing but fine tune it to your needs. Think about it, plan days of significance for yourself, don't just mark random dates on the calendar, have it on days that mean something to you, your birthday, one month sober, two months sober, holidays ( these are especially nice because everyone is celebrating anyways so it feels even better )... If you set out to walk across the country and just went to DO it you would probably fail, but it's easier to walk a block than it is to go across the entire country, a block today, a mile tomorrow, a trip to see a friend... then before you know if you'll be standing at the opposite ocean from which you started, that is what setting goals is for, don't look at the big picture, make smaller ones.

When the cravings come back there is something you must realize; they are hollow and have nothing to offer, if you cave in, you'll go crashing through the hollow walls and land in regret, disappointment and sadness. That part of your mind will continue to fire off empty shells, just remember that no matter how shiny they are on the outside. Eventually they will come less often and you will be able to deal with them better.

[InsectMutant]

Thanks you Redders and Distantshores. Its comforting to know that there are people out there who care.

I think I will try the sauna tomorrow. Good idea.

Distantshores, I understand the phylosophy of one step at a time, and setting goals. However, I'm not finding the prospect of quitting forever daunting. I have accepted it, and I have no doubt I am going to do it. I really have had enough of that life, the emptiness, and what it has turned me in to.

I have mentioned this before, but I am also an alcoholic (I am a classic addictive personality so it seems). I have been sober from that since Dec 5th 2008. I drank heavily for 15yrs, from waking until passing out, day in day out. I really should be grateful that I'm alive. I wanted to quit for years, but it really had a hold of me. I was it's b*tch and I had no control over it. It took for me to reach rock bottom for me to do anything about it. My rock bottom was verbally abusing my girlfriend, with the sole intent of hurting her. I called her a "fat, boring c*nt", the three words she hated the most. When I woke the following day I was absolutely disgusted with myself. This girl was my soul mate. The person who I wanted to grow old with. We were like two peas in a pod. To want to hurt the only thing that I cared about was the last straw. She told me "you're rotting away, and you have been for years". That really hit a nerve, she was right. This was the last straw for her too. I ruined our relationship beyond repair. I'd lost the only thing I cared about. I had hit rock bottom. I'd finally had enough of being controlled by this poison, and what it had turned me into. The anxiousness in the morning trying to work out who I'd upset the previous day. Enough was enough. So, just like flicking a light switch I stopped drinking. From that day I have never craved a drop of alcohol. It's very bizarre. The withdrawals from that were the worst things I'd ever encountered. It was the worst time of my life. I didn't know if I was going to make it, I'd heard people suffering seizures and dying, due to going the cold turkey route. But even with weeks of withdrawal, of absolute hell, I still craved nothing. It was over.

There's a point to all this babbling... I believe this 'rock bottom' has occured to me again, when I decided to give up weed (although it is different, it's not the same as hitting rock bottom with the alcohol, but it all I can compare it to). I don't crave it. I don't want it. It's taken all of my life and left me with nothing. No longer will I be it's b*tch. No longer do I want to be numb. No longer do i want to have zero self respect and confidence. I'm tired to hating myself.

I know the days, weeks, months, even years ahead are going to be incredibly challenging. But I have no doubt in mind that it's over. I just hope I make it through these withdrawals cos they are really starting to take a toll. My chronic stomach pains are now relentless and it's getting me down. I hope it stops soon.

Thank you so much for your warm wishes and care, everyone. The fact that I have this forum, and you guys is priceless to me. I hope, when i have truly conquered this demon I can help others. I've lost everything, my entire life, to alcohol and drugs. I almost want to dedicate the rest of my life to helping others who have addictions (I'm a bit of an expert on it now), if I could do that then my life hasn't been wasted. It may even be my purpose in life. But it's too early to think of that at the moment.

[robinl555]

Dear InsectMutant,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I identified with it immensely.

[InsectMutant]

Thank you robinl555, I really appreciate it. I have v.little confidence at the mo, and I worry after I post something that I've said too much or the wrong thing. Thank you.

I am so pleased to announce all my pain has gone now! It's so weird, I was in horrendous pain last night, and today I awoke with a different feeling. Still pain, but it was different, less specific. More of an uncomfortable/uneasy/restless feeling. Another hot soak in the bath, then a 45min walk with 3 jumpers and a coat on (I sweated lots), and now I feel virtually no pain at all. Just a little spaced out. I was starting to think it would never end, or something was seriously wrong with me. I'm so pleased the physical part it over with (fingers crossed)

Now the real work begins. I'm gonna stomp the guts out of this demon and hopefully one day I will be happy, and maybe even like myself. Alot of reprogramming of the mind ahead, but it will be worth it huh

Until I'm fully better, in my mind, I will keep reminding myself of my friend's comment, "Giving up the weed is the best thing I've ever done!" I hope we all feel this way in the end.x.