My weed story, Thanks for this forum & 3rd day nearly over

[FraggleRock]

Hi all,

(My apologies, I write this little part now because i only intended to write a paragraph or so but i have just realised that I went a bit nuts and like i usually do when i start writing, i find it hard to stop)

i am a new user here and just first of all wanted to thank others for sharing a very familiar view of the problems we are facing day by day or week by week. This has been very helpful to me the last 48 hours. Although alot of users seem to be based in USA all to many things were scarily familiar (i am from scotland where cannabis use is widespread and introduced more often than not at a young age)

Personally speaking, this is my 3rd day going cold turkey and to give you a bit of background on this, i was a long term smoker, for the past 3 years i have been puffing all day every day, except the few occasions where i actually made it out to a family do and did not puff, or atleast tried not to but often failed so except for those days were there was a "dry spell" or "x has been busted, none until monday" etc.

Well I say 3 years, My original problem with puffing was that i actually started when i was 13 or 14 and in high school, by 15 i was a everyday smoker and this lasted until I was 19. In which time I did not take care of myself, and fought with my parents a lot, mostly my mum as she was perfectly aware of my addiction, as was my father as he was an alcoholic (he was 26 years off the drink when he died recently, and i never witnessed him drinking as he gave up before i was born) so do not let this give you false illusions of my past, my parents always done their best for all of us so I have no complaints there, but my smoking weed tore my relationship with them apart. She used to steal the bong from my room and bin it while i visited friends, and the worst point that I actually have a memory from back then was when she confiscated 1/8 i bought, and i pinned her down by the throat and told her to give it back. This was a dark, shameful time of my life and I regret most of my actions, but the pinning down part was the peak I think because by then I no longer wanted to get stoned, I needed to get stoned.. I did not smoke to get high, I smoked to feel "normal"

I quit at 19, it was not hard because I had got myself into so much trouble where i lived growing up with owing dealers money or ripping people off (Im a nice guy, i did not want to rip anyone off, but my "need" to smoke super-seeded that, and was let down by "friends" who would not pay up when i was due to give in money etc) I quit as i moved country in honesty to get away from it all as my brother was living in ireland it was the best option. I realise now looking back that i did get withdrawal symptoms perhaps but I had so many other stuff going on with moving country that i do not think that i noticed them as heavily as I have done this time around.

I did give up for a few years but i took it back up to around 2001 or 2002 my memory is hazy, mostly because I felt I understood addiction at this stage and would never let those "dark times" come back again but that was only occasional as i was still working at the time, but If memory serves correctly I did end up smoking most days as i was sick of getting drunk. I was not a drunk but instead a 21 year old who had a new-found passion for getting laid and having fun.. I justified my smoking by saying it was better than going out and getting pissed, that "you would not find a stoned guy in the street at 3am wanting to fight for no reason".. perfect justification in my mind back then and was enough to make me start smoking most days of the week, immediately as i got home from work and at weekends was soon as the morning coffee was poured. I was also doing a lot of music festivals back then and started to take some ecstasy and cocaine, although this was only tested I was never really a "class A" user. Which in some way also justified me smoking my "class C" Drug of choice.

but i started to get really bad anxiety/panic attacks after a 5 day music festival in England full of pills, smoke and speed... so that began a terrifying stage in my life where i gave up everything, went to doctors and was led down a path of anti-depressants and benzo's (xanax) to make sure that the anxiety did not make me lose my job. It was only after running out of work several times and ending up back home that led me to this, however after 6months or maybe it was a year, my brother moved back to scotland and I gave up the xanax (which i think looking back had became problematic and i became addicted to taking these to "feel normal") infact I remember calling them normality pills as i could get on with things with no crazy panic attacks to effect my life.

The panic attacks past and i gave up my xanax dependence (6 months, perhaps closer to a year), and I did get back into a place where i was 22 or 23, living with my (ex) partner and although i was still taking anti-depressants this did not bother me as I had beat the dependence on xanax . And if memory serves correctly I do not remember having to take mind altering drugs as I was on anti-depressants and also gabapentin. I was also so scared of getting those panic attacks again that the thought of smoking hash or drinking was out of the question, I gave up drink and all drugs during that time.

I was back to unemployment after giving up my job (i gave up before i was forced to leave, and sadly this only lasted until I got a really bad abscess in my mouth (those 6 years smoking pot i did not take care of myself, and my mouth is in bits but that's a diff story!) The abscess in it self was not the problem, but the dentist gave me high strength codeine painkillers which because of my addictive nature, i started to take these even after there was no pain and started to go to doctors to get prescriptions and lied to get them. Although there was no real "high" from them, they are opium based and would give a nice light headed feeling that i became accustomed to over time, and before I knew what was going on I was taking 8-16 of these tablets per day (2 every 4 hours max was soon 2 hours, and then 1 hour at times if i was just back home from work).

I think because my mum has been taking codeine painkillers most of my life I believed this was not a problem, i was just on the "upper strength" ones. 2 or 3 years passed before I weaned myself off these by changing to normal strength, and because there was no high or even lightheaded feeling i took more than i should to try and achieve this.. did not work but i continued taking them most days anyway, not sure why looking back.. mmm i think i took them before drinking alcohol to get drunk faster was about the only thing.

I had split from my partner at this stage and had a place of my own in the city centre of dublin, I was back working in a good job and was doing well at it and promoted into a similar position and became a team coach because of this. I was drinking a fair bit but I was 26 and enjoying life, and because of my dad problems with drink it has never been a thing I would ever rely on as I was so well aware of the outcome. It was around this time though that I invited 2 students to come live in my spare room.

This was now 2008, they were smokers, and although for the first couple of months my fear was enough to tell me that I never wanted to enter that dark time of my life again. I started to have an occasional smoke BUT only if I was drunk. This is not because I did not want to do it not drunk, but because my fear of the panic attacks I had a few years earlier were enough to scare me in to not doing it. The fear left with drink..

But after sittin up smoking one night after drinking, I had took the day off work and puffed 1 pipe.. I was scared of the anxiety feelings coming back but not enough to not make me do it.. they moved out not long afterwards as did I but it was around then that i started to smoke on a daily basis again. Using the same line I told myself 5 years earlier that "it was better than getting pissed out of my skull" and allowed me to relax.



It was because of my smoking again that I started to under-perform in my job, I was lazy.. I drank to much red bull because I was up smoking until 2-3am the night before "dreading having to go to work". As soon as i was home from work I was puffing again and since there was no panic attacks I did not care to much. I told myself that I was well aware of the dangers but that If i could quit once or twice then I was strong enough to quit whenever I felt the need to.

Sadly the need to quit never came around?? Why would i want to quit when I felt so contented.. ?? So if i was happy there was no "problem" right?

I lost that job, I was late most days by 5-10mins or always on warnings or final warnings because sometimes I did not show up at all. I was constantly tired at work due to smoking everyday but was offered a "golden handshake" to walk away with a good reference.

That was in 2009, and i continued to smoke all day, everyday. I told myself it was fine because I lied that much to the people that cared around me that I think I even started to believe my own bullshit. People said I had a problem, So instead of admitting it I would just see that person less, and tell them i had not been smoking. I still lived in ireland so my family was not aware of any of this, and visits home became so infrequent it was sometimes a year or more passed before I would visit. I had been tempted to quit a few times but the days I went without were spent with no appetite, no sleep (sound familiar?) so i would get a bong hit as soon as possible. Even then those days without were not because i quit, but rather because No contacts had any..

(continued next post i ran out of characters!!)

[FraggleRock]

At the start of 2010 my dad died while driving home from work one day, I got the news while stoned ofcourse on a phonecall from my family. I remember crying but i was so high that i just could not take it in, so much so i even got a sleep that night.

I do not think I ever truly dealt with losing my dad, because between then and now although i moved back to Scotland, I did not give up my habit. I was smoking everyday, it was helping me to get through things. I do not believe in god, I do not believe in anything really because I always believed more of a scientific perspective of things. I also did not want to believe because if after-life exists, that meant my dad would be ****ing nuts to see that the habit he seen me kick almost 10 years previously was back with a vengeance. Alas, this is not a religious discussion so I will begin to steer far away from that.

Anyway my smoking gave me a sense of contentment, I have not worked since moving back to glasgow except from 1 temporary job that I quit because I was still very depressed (it was 1 month after he died i got it). Was smoking pretty much everyday up until 3 days ago. In fact If I am honest I did not even plan to quit smoking weed (or MJ as you all seem to refer to it!)

Instead I gave up cigarettes 4 weeks ago, I am a heavy cigarette smoker (30 a day roughly) so during that time I would not smoke during the day any cannabis, mostly because i knew if i did my craving for a cigarette would be overwhelming. I was always a bong or pipe smoker, but instead that first night I thought it a good idea to try having 1 skinner spliffs instead.

In that time of not smoking during the day I seen my family life improve, I seen my relationships start to flourish and it was this that made me realise that smoking was not making me "normal", it was ****ing up most aspects of my life. I continued to smoke just at night for 1 week, but while she (partner) was at work I started to do it one day during the day and bam.. before i knew it, it was 2 weeks later and I was smoking about 10 joints (i never went back on the pipes, it was killing my throat and lungs) daily, sometimes more, (never less..)

Smoking was not the same anymore, I just felt incredible guilt that I could have let this happen to me all over again, and started to see the situation for what it truly was - I have a problem. My partner hated me smoking dope, so much so it nearly tore us apart a few times but with promises from my end, followed with dishonesty about the true situation things would get back to "normal", the difference was mainly the dishonesty, it hurt me to lie to the people I loved most around me. I ran to smoking more because of this guilt, how weird eh? It masked my emotions and I like most other smokers with a problem, I lied... a lot.

But this time, it was different. I can't live like this any longer guys. I cant live with the web of lies, I struggle to keep track, and being that I was stoned all day it was even harder. So among my guilt I decided that I would give up "everything".. no more weed, no more cigarettes.. the cigarettes mostly because i seen how happy my partner was and even myself because my bank balance did not leave me phoning loved ones for a "borrow".. The weed, because I had already realised it was making my relationships with family and partner like shit..

Technically i stopped smoking cigarettes for 3 weeks (technically!), the reality is i was blazing up joints instead all the time, or in the time where my partner would not realise I was doing it. If this meant taking that "extra long shower" then so be it It had to be done.

My quality of life was at an all time low, I was in the same situation when i was younger and now I am 29 trying to do it all over again.

That biggest hardest step was admitting that I had a problem, and i do not mean telling people around you that are already aware, but instead telling myself it had got out of hand and it needs to end. I got my last bag on sunday and promised myself "this will be the last of you in my life you ****ing son of a ....", I called it a "last big blowout" and planned my quitting the following day of all substances including staying off the cigarettes. I no longer enjoyed smoking dope for the best part as all it seemed to do was give feelings of guilt, smoking it made me want to quit (weird eh!)

Sadly for me my last big blowout left behind enough for a joint on the tuesday, so in my weakness i said "**** it i will finish it", it was daunting but at the time the stoned feeling was like the above, but instead i was telling myself over and over.. just need to get through the first couple of weeks of withdrawal symptoms and you will be fine. It all seemed so easy. It was only easy as I got a bit of a high from the 1 skinner which fell away an hour or 2 later.

As most of you know, this is not easy. I have battled again with thoughts that "you understand addiction so why don't you just agree with yourself to only smoke at weekends?" or "just at night and keep your good family life going". I understand that this is just the addiction trying to get what it wants (i think? i could be wrong... it was just my understanding) and often the thoughts are "quitting forever?? like never ever ever again??", those ones cause anxiety so telling myself I could try it again when im retired or something helped but only made me want to smoke more. I am still getting these thoughts at the moment, and i have to force myself to get out of it.

My partner is visiting her family back in sweden for 2 weeks so it was a perfect time to quit, she does not get to witness my withdrawal symptoms or in case there was any erratic mood swings. She is currently 16 weeks pregnant with my child and is in an emotional state as it is so I wanted to solo this. Also did not want to let family know that the problem that nearly tore us apart 10 years ago was back again

Anyway day 1 was bloody tough.. I started smoking cigarettes again because I do not think I am strong enough to kick both addictions at one time, I still want to quit cigarettes but at a later time once I have kicked my weed addiction and felt more like myself. I did not sleep, I sweated hot.. then cold.. then hot again.. threw blankets off, pulled them back on.. moved.. twisted..turned.. masturbated several times as well in the hope this would just get me some sleep and in no way because i was horny. Heater on, heater off, more sweats.. watched tv and read these forums for help.. that feeling that someone else knew what i was feeling was enough to push me through. I done up a word document of the reasons why I want to quit and looked at this a lot for re-affirmation of my reasons for doing this. Tried some valerian root which is good for sleep apparently, well as a smoker for god knows how many years who always slept stoned it did not give the desired effect!! i think i muttered "****ing useless" at one stage.. but finally around 11am the next day i got 5 hours sleep on the sofa.

Day 2, Still not eating, lost appetite completely.. I read the forums more and researched the symptoms to see what more I could expect to get. I had woke up at 4pm so I went to my sisters house, she was aware i gave up cigarettes and it was only when i heard the disappointment in her tone of voice that i was smoking again did i crack. I wanted to be more honest so i told her the truth of my weed addiction and how i had given up and just needed some help right now, went into some detail and the disappointment was changed to support for my situation. We shared a bottle of wine and I felt fine.. I had renewed my reasons for wanting to quit. Admitting the problem out loud to my partner and my sister had helped. we shared a bottle of wine, i had 2 glasses as i did not want to substitute one problem for another, and made sure i did not end up jumping from the frying pan and in to the fire so to speak. I came home at 11pm hopeful of perhaps getting 40 winks after a couple of glasses of vino, this was not to be the case sadly...

It seems after midnight kicks in, that is when my addiction seems to be at it's strongest. I smoked many cigarettes and for the first time since quitting had some anxiety issues, insomnia was poking and laughing at my attempts to sleep as i sweated hot and cold again. No sleep, and found it hard to concentrate on anything. I watched a documentary and because it was about a guy who had smoked weed everyday and now had a 8mth old son, I have never been a very emotional person but found myself in floods of tears. feelings regarding my own dad left unsurfaced for all this time, I also have a baby on the way and it all just seemed to be flooding at once, filled with feelings of guilt of what i had been doing. And constantly asking myself how will i get through this, I kicked pillows and paced around my living room before coming back on these forums among others.

Instead i decided that after looking at my "reasons for quitting" document to try and get some strength back and realise I am doing this for the right reasons, I would start a diary. like this post, what i originally intended just to be a couple of short paragraphs of my emotions ended up with me starting at 4am and ending around 6:30am. Those 2 hours were hard, but by the end of writing my wish to just get stoned had left me. I was getting some bad anxiety though for the first time in years (in a sober state), which was scary to say the least. I put it down to the fact I had a few glasses of wine and the morning after drinking i usually got bad anxiety, but because i have a history of panic attacks my brain was saying "**** no.. not this shit again" and i wanted to cave. Eventually around 10 or 11am again this morning i finally managed to get some sleep that i craved.

[FraggleRock]

Day 3, Today.., I had read over and over again about "get exercise, get exercise", so after getting about 5 hours in bed and sweating my way through no less than 2 t-shirts and pyjama bottoms I was going to tough it out at home, but instead I phoned my brother. This was difficult for me, I started off the call when being asked how i am, my immediate reply was "****ing struggling", and in a moment of clarity I decided that I needed the support of some of the people around me. I told my brother about the web of lies and the true extent of my smoking, he was aware i smoked. Within 20 minutes he was at my house with his swimming gear telling me to get my ass in gear, I have been getting emotional since quitting and writing this has shown me I do have a strong famliy around me willing to support me so i could be in a worse situation. I am extremely unfit, but i pushed myself.. the more i wanted to think about smoking the more i swam, 30 lengths and a stitch in my side to prove it, but i felt great.. Re-affirmed with him like i did my sisters, my wish to quit.. and they already know my partner is pregnant so just trying to support me.

I can honestly say that i wanted to hit every ****er that recommended exercise, but i was wrong and i can admit that, the exercise and sauna helped me lots, I felt much better today and no anxiety so far which has been nice. I am fully expecting to still have insomnia but the exercise and wearing myself out gave me enough of an appetite to eat 3/4 of a full pizza. I want to do this and for the first time in 3 days i truly felt like i could, when im with other people it helps me. Gives me a sense of reality, I got home and was fine for 2 hours as i had food and played some games but then i came to write this as i was just having some fears kick in, in honesty i found a bit for a joint and i had to wrestle with my emotions before finally i threw it out the window as I do not want to go through these first couple of days again. Phoned my partner about quitting, and how i have been doing so far and she was in tears of happiness about my progress. This gave me a new found happiness myself, but i really struggle at night time so badly when i am alone it seems.

So here I am, nearly 3am and i have been writing this for about an hour or so, wishing i had wrote less and feeling slightly guilty that whatever chance i had of someone reading this left around 15 paragraphs ago!!. I wrote the gaps in between my weed addictions mainly because i felt as if i always had something there that i was either taking or abusing and finally being clean of everything scares, but also excites me a lot. (mostly scares) But i have to battle these fears and continue because i no longer wish to have a fear of the unknown. We all want something to define the type of character we are and after years of smoking i can safely say. I do not know who i am, but i know who i was and i am trying to change that. my body hurts a bit from the exercise so i am going to have a few more cigys and go face another night of cold sweats, hot sweats and hoping i may actually get to sleep before 11am.

As a final note before i stop, this forum has helped me and i would like to thank the people that run and organise it. and to the people who have posted their stories i have read through them and its nice to know we are not alone.

[Unregistered]

Hello...I did manage to read all that. I can relate to most of it. Today is now officially my 4th day so I'm in about the same boat as you. The thing I'm kind of ashamed of is that I quit earlier this year. It lasted about 6 months or so. I even made some posts on here about my quit and writing that I knew I'd never do it again. Well I was obviously wrong. I'm back again after around 3.5 months off the wagon. I guess my advice to you or anyone else is don't get lackadaisical about your quit after you've made it awhile. At least for me doing one little bit got me back into it full time. Anyway, I know its something I have to do and I really know I want it. Exercise is also a big part of helping for me. Though I did continue exercising while I relapsed, I knew I wasn't able to run as far, do as much, etc. And the munchies has caused me to gain some weight back. I know I can lose it, get healthy again and get my life back. I just want to warn everyone how easy it is to fall back in it.

[FraggleRock]

Hello...I did manage to read all that. I can relate to most of it. Today is now officially my 4th day so I'm in about the same boat as you. The thing I'm kind of ashamed of is that I quit earlier this year. It lasted about 6 months or so. I even made some posts on here about my quit and writing that I knew I'd never do it again. Well I was obviously wrong. I'm back again after around 3.5 months off the wagon. I guess my advice to you or anyone else is don't get lackadaisical about your quit after you've made it awhile. At least for me doing one little bit got me back into it full time. Anyway, I know its something I have to do and I really know I want it. Exercise is also a big part of helping for me. Though I did continue exercising while I relapsed, I knew I wasn't able to run as far, do as much, etc. And the munchies has caused me to gain some weight back. I know I can lose it, get healthy again and get my life back. I just want to warn everyone how easy it is to fall back in it.

thanks for the reply, it helped me today to read you were in the same boat, I am more than happy if you want to try and help each other push through with it. Even if it just means accepting that sometimes it is a real struggle, even if that struggle only lasts for an hour and passes before you realise that we want to do it for all the right reasons. Its my head that tells me to get out and get out now, get a wee puff and ill feel ok again when i know myself this is not the truth i have to keep telling myself

Struggling badly today, had no sleep again last night, finally got a few hours at 10am this morning but been getting stomach pains from time to time and was getting diarrhoea. Felt pretty weak and wanted a way out, its hard to type that as i have been trying to give myself confidence boosts. Going to clean up the house as much as i do not want to i know it will make me feel better if only for half an hour its a good way of keeping my mind active.

I am getting through today only if im honest by telling myself that i do not think i am strong enough to quit again, and think about going back through day 1-2-3 all over again is enough to push me. Knowing that things can only get better type of thing?? When i say it helps, it helps me to say this but do not get me wrong everything in me right now wants to just speed dial contact and feel "normal" again. Sadly i know what this would do, if i smoked again I would end up having to cover my own tracks, by covering my own tracks i end up again in a dishonest lifestyle that I do not want again, lying to the people that i love around me and with my baby due in 5 months i know that the kid will look upto his or her father the same way we all did, and taking drugs is not an example I ever wish to put on someone that will look up to me as an example of how to lead life.

Sadly its the fear of having a kid that makes me want to go back to my usual crutch, but i have to learn to live with natural fear.. anyone having their first child will get the same fears I get, the difference is they can get through them, but i am trying each day to get through them and started reading more of the pregnancy books and talking to my siblings about how they felt knowing it was on the way. My brother was identical only he was drinking and smoking to much cannabis but he gave up when his wife was 8 months pregnant with their first child about 3 years ago and he has not touched anything since then

My biggest dissapointment, is that.. I have done this all before, and i learned that i was addicted after stopping first time but told myself that i had learned a life lesson and yet here i was again, let it slip more and more and pulling the rug away from beneath my feet so to speak. I feel angry that i let a drug that self admittedly made me a social recluse when I was younger take hold on me again at a later stage in life, almost like I put myself back to square 1 by being in denial for years. Denial was a strong thing in my mind, the more i bullshitted people around me the more i started to believe it myself ?? non-addicts must look at this and think what the hell, how can you deny what is going on in front of your own eyes? Well i done it.. and i believed my own bullshit sadly. Its on those days you go without you realise how much of a hold it has taken in your life. That i planned anything around "will i be able to smoke some green?", if the answer was no I never did it. I

I will keep talking, as talking helps me to realise what i am feeling if anything else. Especially in the weak times where all i think about is getting that crutch back in my life.

thanks for making it through my long winded posts!

If you ever want to talk more feel free to pm me. even if its just what you felt in a certain day, we seem to be on matching days aswell with it being day 4 for me as well so could always compare how were cracking up inside at least

[FraggleRock]

still going in my attempt to quit in case thought i had fell off the wagon, im 6 days today, did not really post as in honesty at the end of day 4 i started to feel really good.. no withdrawal symptoms that i noticed and no cravings.

This was nice except i had to battle out of the "so i dont have a problem, if it is this easy I could have another smoke and deal with the 3 days" thought that entered my head a few times and after relapsing in the past I realise i am powerless to its charms sadly!

Bad dreams have started to come though last night, dreams are a personal thing and no point going in to detail but they caused anxiety and my partner was smoking joints in it, (she has never smoked and despised me smoking) so if that was not weird enough, she was hovering outside the livingroom window with 2 other people while doing it (we live 4 floors up in an apartment block)!! totally whacked out!

actually on the night of day 4, i felt that good i even played games online for a few hours which is the first time ive been able to concentrate on anything without thinking about smoking for first time since quit which gave me confidence. I have been taking 2 valerian root at night still and it "seems" to help feel a tiny bit of a tired feeling.

Appetite on day 5 was slowly starting to come back and im able to eat without feeling like I need to gag and vomit it back up which was nice, did not sleep on night of day 4 as was so sick of getting to sleep at 11am i pushed myself to last the rest of the day so it was hard to crave anything when i felt like a bit of a zombie and had been awake for 26 hours straight with very little nourishment.

Actually what i meant to ask was, on that night of day 4 were I mention i had no cravings or withdrawals, I felt the same feeling I got when i used to get stoned a lot, not one of being high as such.. but that "contented" feeling???? So much so I actually started to google if THC was released gradually after quitting because it was so unlike me to be able to relax with nothing in my system but was able to watch full tv shows and believe it or not - my sense of humour was back and no rage.. even had a wee laugh from time to time. I had taken 2 valerian root that night though, and altohugh i have not been taking codeine painkillers for 4 weeks the headaches i was getting got to a stage were i had to take 1 tablet just to calm it down a bit. (for people in the US, painkillers wiht a tiny bit of codeine in the UK are over the counter and not prescription and taken for headaches)

Cravings came back with a vengeance on night 5 and i had to really fight with my emotions to sit still, I knew it was bad because i tried to re-affirm my reasons for quitting and the whole time my head was saying "who cares? Need that feeling of being stoned, do it, do it, do it now..." was the first i had those as bad since day 3

some mild anxiety, especially going to bed is still a problem were i have nothing else to think of lying in darkness, I think it was because the welsh football manager committed suicide yesterday that thoughts of suicide were in my head. I do not mean i wanted to commit suicide as such, but the thought of it was giving me a bit of a panic attack, imagining falling from my apartment building window, what the hell is with that about? (i used to do this when i was stoned to mind you, that image of "falling" and death were in my mind)

I battle so much with boredom and half my anxiety i think comes because "I have no clue what i will do tomorrow" and struggle with things to even come up with as to what i can do with myself. I have been usign weed as a "thing to do" for so long perhaps?? what did other people do, i forced myself to clean house a bit and went for a shopping to get out for a walk but its so cold in scotland at this time of year and rain has been lashing down for days now.

I did get through one thing though, the last bit i smoked I still owed money for, I had put it off for nearly a week as if i went round earlier to pay it I had feared I would be to weak to say no.. But I did it, handed in money and got out of there asap. I was proud of myself for doing that.

What are/were people doing to battle the boredom at the start can you remember? any feedback would be appreciated. I am not sure what i really like to do, being able to game for a while felt good and i never thought i would enjoy it to the level i did without being high as a kite, I was never a big sporty or fit person. Loved watching football but was born with 2 left ankles and 2 left feet (im right footed incase you do not get the metaphor!) just dunno what to do with myself at times..

[Unregistered]

Hey friend, same guy as before. Almost a week yes. I'm feeling so much better, especially at the gym. My resting heart rate is down a bit. I dont randomly cough during the day anymore. I think my lungs are clearing out again. Im using klonipin to get to sleep. It's working great. Oh boy as for dreams....,I've had some doozies! nothing like nightmares or anything but just weird shit. (sorry best way I can describe). And I can actually remember them which is a change. One of them was happening, I knew it was a dream and I was subconsciously telling myself to wake up....but I could not do it. The weird dream just kept going. That tells me I am getting really good, deep restful sleep. As for things to keep me busy.....a lot of exercise, my job of course (which I'm better at no doubt now--and way less paranoid.....someone will know lol), a good bit of tv and believe it or not home improvement. I've been doing a lot of different little jobs to my house I've needed to do like filling in little holes in the walls and painting over them----stuff to the trim, etc. and cleaning. been doing a bit more cooking than I would've been. It hasn't been bad at all filling the time. Of course I've went through all this before so I know what to expect. Just main thing is to be resilient after we've been quit awhile. Good luck

[Unregistered]

KEEP BATTLING ON!!!! your honesty is inspirational and you have what it takes to maintain complete control of your own life without the need for anxiety relief!!!! peace!

[FraggleRock]

can anyone relate to the constant vivid dreams after 1 week?? thats like days 9-11 or 12 so far, and most of them all seem to involve weed in one way or another but most seem to involve me being younger (around the time i originally started weed)

that and my worst fears came true and almost 2 days ago i got some really bad anxiety attacks, so much so i was struggling to cope at all * I even ended up looking out my xanax again and was tempted to go to the docs for depression.. not been doing to well these last couple of days. And that full blown panic attack was the first i had one like that in years really took me by surprise and ive been struggling badly since.. the dreams though wont stop, I would love a nights sleep that dosent take me back 10+ years.. the dreams alone was what initiated the panic attack as it took me back to the emotions of pure fear that i had while younger i think, although that is just a guess

will the dreams go away? or how long can i expect to keep getting these for, as i say most of them seem to take me back to being around 16 again * it has made my life a bit of a nightmare because of it, and i seem to be really depressed and struggling to even get off the couch to do anything..

edit- vivid dreams is to nice a word, they feel more like intense nightmares that i feel like sometimes that same 17 year old waking up to 29 year old problems, and takes me hours (or after the first one more like 12 hours and intense anxiety/panic attacks) to realise where or who i am again..* i wasnt going to go to the doctors again, but i cant live life with any enjoyment with the panic attacks, they nearly destroyed me first time around when i got them around 21/22 years old..

edit #2 - read about the "10 day wall" on another forum and it hit me like a truck, that depression has really set in hard. God... I had to private message him. I felt good after quitting after about 4-5 days and i had a better clarity of things.. I struggled with depression earlier in life and I was not prepared for it on that level again, my sister really hit the nail on the head after i spoke about suicide. Although i am petrified of dying, during those worst anxious depressed moments your head thinks this line

"I do not want to commit suicide, but if this is what life is like I do not want to live like this"......

hit me like a truck/train when she said that, I have battled against it so far but these nightmares continue and im struggling to cope. I spent 5 or so years on anti-depressants before and i can not underline enough how much i do not want to be taking any medication again, that i want to be free from everything... But after the anxiety attacks i started to think medication to cope is not such a bad thing.. or will these feelings go away soon ?? I would rather not rely on medication again

(i did look out the 1 xanax i kept from a couple of years ago but never took it, it just helped me to know if the bad panic's came back that i had the ability to "beat it" so to speak, it is still sitting next to my stereo in the livingroom

[Eli]

Hey FraggleRock, hope you got some sleep last night. I have to say, when I read your posts I felt a certain kinship, although I am from U.S. (live in Europe for 10 years), some of the patterns of addiction are striking. I also started smoking around 13-14 and lost went from being a sweet kid to a real pain in the ass on all levels. At 19 I got clean.. Then when my father died in a traggic car accident in 2007, I really fell off the wagon.

My father, although not an alcoholic, was addicted to cannabis my whole childhood. He tried to hide it but I was well aware of his addiction and it really ended up tearing my parents relationship apart. When I went back to smoking, I was already married with kids and nearly lost it all mate. I think I was reliving what happened when I was a kid and my father pushed us all away untill my mother finally left him..

Anyway, please keep up the faith- quitting was the best thing that happened to me. The reason why I think it is going to stick this time around is because I'm finallly digging deep and figuring out why I smoked. Why I needed to turn off emotionally from life. I don't have any easy answers and after almost 5 months clean, I'm still working on discovering the answers to my psyche but this is really your best bet. Why do you smoke? What can you not work through in reality that makes you need this off switch?

The dreams could well last a while longer. I had super intense dreams, often involving Cannabis. First, I would break down and give in to the addiction. Later, in dreams, I begin refusing, at parties, with friends, etc. Now the weed dreams have stopped all together and I'm really finding peace.

Weed smoking impares the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. You cut off from your emotions, subconscous stuff.. So, for me the dreams marked an opening up of my opressed subconscious. Just keep in mind, even if they make you feel like shit, this is really part of the healing process.

I'm also not religous but like to think of my self as spiritual. Not in flakey way. Just, that we are more then flesh and blood. There is a greater power in the universe and within you. For me, I realized smoking was a way of denying myself this power. This sensitivity to the outside and inside world. Perhaps many of us smokers are deeply sensitive people with heightened intuition and feelings. This is a real gift you get back after you pull through it.

BTW, althought not a ciggy smoker, I would always smoke spliffs.. When I quit, I went off drinking, tobacco- everything. I'm not saying you should do the same, but just be careful with alcohol, perscription meds- anything that could act as a substitute to getting through to the underlying feelings and emotions which MUST come out..

Be well brother and we're all here to help,

Eli