17, addicted to bud and hate life.
I'm 17 years old, and I know I'm addicted to cannabis. I started smoking when I was about to enter senior school (I was about 11 at the time) and up until I was around 14, I was fat, and bullied to an extent. The only time i really enjoyed myself was when I was chonging a spliff with my mates. The 2 people who I smoked pot with throughout being 11 to 14/15 ish just sort of got further away if you know what I mean, like we didnt really bother with each other anymore. at about 15 I lost almost all of my excess weight (which I assume is due to the amount of pot I was smoking daily with my mates) and started to feel a bit more accepted by the other arseholes at school. Since I was about 15 I ended up getting put on a special timetable at school, and a 1 to 1 teacher due to the amount of school time I was missing, and the time I didnt miss being off my face. I was always in trouble in school and by the end of it (fortunately for me) I still managed to be an A grade student. beleive it or not, I don't care, that isnt what its about, but it is relevant. Due to being on this special timetable I NEVER got to see anyone at school besides my 1 to 1 teacher and 1 other lad that had the same timetable for the same reason (he was one of my weed smoking friends). even then I would always be smoking pot with the 1 friend every day. 2 years of the 1 to 1 timetable went by, and by the end of it I had a big fall out with that guy, at which point I realized that I literally had NO friends at all, the 1 or 2 people that Did bother with me were only interested when they needed me to get some bud for them, then they would either smoke a spliff with me and leave or just leave after I got it. I finished school with a brilliant list of GCSE related qualifications, B's and A's in my actual GCSE's and a brilliant reference. I wasted the time between going to my new college course and finishing school smoking pot. every day as usual. I started college, smoking pot every day. I often attended late/ not at all. I was aggressive towards my tutors, and ended up getting kicked off the course. This was about January this year. from then I have done nothing besides play wow (I KNOW IM A NERD GET OVER IT FFS) and smoke dope. A lot of this may seem irrelevant, but it all adds up to what my life has become now. I havent been out with my friends (not that Ive got any now anyway) for over a year, and I can't seem to talk to anyone about this. I absolutely hate my life. I'm 18 this september, and when my girlfriend/mom brother n siter go out I'll often talk to myself about it, and I feel that I am going insane. talking to yourself can't be normal, it just cant? I'm your typical british male, I dont show emotion and the only emotion I do show is anger to be honest. I can' decide whether I hate myself or my life the most. I hate what I have become, the other day I couldnt get any MJ. I don't usually drink but If i cant get any MJ then I will. I drank 6 cans of larger and a full bottle of red wine by half 1 in the afternoon. that isn't normal for a 17 year old by anyone's standards. I am almost definitely depressed, and I know that I am addicted. Ive knew for a while, I know it can be damaging my mental health, and I know how much money I'm wasting on it, but I don't WANT to stop. It is literally the only thing that makes me feel not so shit, I used to enjoy playing WoW, but for the last few months it seems as if I'm playing it because its my routine. I log on to wow and literally my caracter stays AFK (away from keyboard) for the majority of the day. If it auto-logs out I will log myself back in, and minimize the window again, or just leave it up there. Im always on facebook, but I never talk to anyone. The only people that talk to me are usualy asking if my girlfriend/sister are about. It has completely changed the way my mind has worked. I dont even WANT to go out anymore. I want a social life and friends, but If i was asked to go out to the pub or something tonight, by one of my old mates I would more than likely say no, I dont feel like it. I've been mugged and beat 4 times in my life. coincidentally all by black people, and I am not ashamed to say that this has actually caused me to hate the entire race, I am a racist. I dont want to be, but I am. and I think that cannabis is what is making me think like this. My late stepfather was black, and my dads feoncé (however you spell it) and stepbrother's are all black, and often end up being racist towards my brother in arguments. I just dont like the person I've turned out to be. I am really a nice guy, I like doing things for people and like to help, I can just never be motivated to do anything. Like anything besides doing nothing seems like a daunting task. I dont get on with ANYONE in my family,my dad lives abroad and I never see him, and have hardly seen him throughout my life. My mom literally hates me and is kicking me out as soon as i get a wage/income to support myself as we cannot take living with each other anymore. the only person I talk to ever is my girlfriend, who I see mainly on nights and mornings, as she is either out with her friends or at college. she then comes home smokes weed with me and we go to sleep not long after. then she wakes up goes out again. Im in the mind set that I feel like she is being selfish by leaving me in the house all day, but when I sit and think of it im being selfish by expecting her to want to sit in here with me all day. I would just really appreciate some advice, anything. I can't say my feelings out loud and have never felt comfortable talking to anynoe about them in person. I feel it will intrude my masculinity, and show weakness. this shit is focking ith my brain, but I'm intelligent enough to notice it, and doing nothing about it. im a ****. I hate my life, everything about it besides my girlfriend and who I've become.
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