Day 73 - Challenging

[BFB]

Hey Cybermanz,

100 days clean that is great! It’s interesting how the recovery process can be full of ups and downs, it doesn’t surprise me that the first month was the most difficult, what is interesting is how you found month 3 more difficult than month 2, it just goes to show how with an addiction like marijuana it really can take a long time to get it out of your system, I think I compared it to one of those monthly payment plans recently, you don’t pay as much in one go like with many harder drugs, but get to spread it out over a number of months in smaller payments, anyway it’s great to hear how well you are doing, keep up the good work!

All the best and please keep us posted, I am sure others will find your progress very encouraging.



Speak soon,

[cybermanz]

OK, day 103 clean. Not a lot to update. Court day is drawing closer by the day. Tuesday of next week. My future pivots on the outcome of that day. As you can imagine, my anxiety is growing as the day gets closer.
I have been trying all sorts of anxiety control methods, but when your life and career will be decided on the outcome of one day it is challenging to keep a positive outlook. This is especially true when I am 103 days clean of a 25 year habit. My brain is still rewiring. I do feel a lot better, but I still think my road to full recovery may take a few more months.
I do think that length of recovery is directly related to the length of time addicted. When someone has spent a large proportion of their life addicted and self medicating, recovery is not an easy thing. So much of your life is linked to addiction. For me, everything I did was linked to smoking marijuana. What that means is that now I am not smoking any, I feel, well, not normal. It is like life has no meaning any more. I know that is not an entirely rational thought, but during this period of my recovery, that is how I feel.
I have added L-Tyrosine to the 5HTP I am taking now. Take L-Tyrosine in morning and 5HTP before bed. Using natural amino acids to recover. Do not want to use SSRI's as they cause all sorts of side effects and can be difficult to withdraw from. The last thing a recovering addict needs is another addiction.
I find 'normal', 'unstoned' life so boring. I used to have a puff before I did anything. I would not smoke any before work, but would always have a puff after work and puffed all weekend. Everything just seemed better when stoned.
I am hoping with every ounce of hope I have left that the lack of enjoyment for life and general depressed feeling is just a stage of my recovery. Hoping that my brain will rewire soon and neurotransmitters will start flowing soon. I really need to feel even a small improvement. It is obvious to me that when you smoke marijuana for a long period of time your brain stops producing certain neurotransmitters, especially serotonin and dopamine. If you smoke every day for years your brain becomes accustomed to supplemented levels of these neurotransmitters so it shuts down natural production. When you quit cold turkey, it seems to take a long time for the brain to restart natural production of these neurotransmitters. Anyone that knows anything about this I would live to hear some opinions. I realise it is not an exact science and that everyone's recovery / withdrawal is different. I do really hope this stage will pass soon. Each day can be such a challenge when I feel like I do.
Not all doom and gloom. Do feel a great relief from getting my dental work taken care of for now. As I explained to my Dad, it feels like you are lost at sea in a storm, struggling to keep your head above the waves. Withdrawal, legal concerns, and other issues are like weights on your feet, dragging you down. To cut even one of these weights from your feet allows you to at least take a breath.
Ok, more updates to follow. Have to go now. Feeling a bit down, difficult to keep typing.

[robinl555]

Hi,
I smoked for 35yrs..,day and night.. In the end I was vaporizing. I thought I was attached to the machine..
I'm on day 25. I'm actually feeling alot better.. but I don't have a court date looming. That alone without quitting would cause me great anxiety.
Exercise, music and laughter makes you produce endorphins. Make yourself do some of these things, even though you don't want to... You'll feel better...
Watch a comedy..take a brisk walk....

I hope everything turns out ok. on tuesday.... i think once that is behind you, you'll be able to enjoy your life.

I'm starting to enjoy mine.

[cybermanz]

Greetings all. Yesterday was my status hearing court date. Was the day I was to see if the police would reduce the charge I am facing. Did not sleep the night prior to it, anxiety was at an all time high. However, on the day, the police were not ready so my case has been remanded for another 2 months. So, after getting all worked up, it was a massive let down. Now I have to wait for another 2 whole months to have another status hearing. Another 2 months in limbo. Cannot get a job with a criminal conviction pending so I am stuck on a small benefit. Living at home with my retired father and his partner.
Has been 110 days now since I quit smoking marijuana and tobacco, also stopped drinking any alcohol apart from occasional glass of wine on a special occasion. So no vices any more. Coping with a major life changing incident without any chemical assistance is challenging to say the least. Not knowing what my future holds is a very empty feeling. As mentioned in previous posts, if I end up with a criminal conviction I will not be able to continue my career of 22 years as it is unlikely any employer would hire me. So, that would mean, at almost 40 years old, having to find employment in a line of work where criminal records are not checked or find an employer willing to give me a second chance. Alternatively I could try and work for myself, but that is difficult as well in today's economy. So, my life is on hold for another 2 months. Then go to court again and see what happens. There is a slim chance that I may still get a discharge without conviction which is basically a second chance. Could potentially get back into my career if this happens. This is the best possible outcome, so I am trying to focus on this as much as possible. Trying to focus on a slim positive outcome in my frame of mind is difficult, my mind keeps slipping back into negative thoughts. Unsure if this is just due to my brain rewiring from 25 years of addiction, hopefully it is. Hoping that I can focus a bit more on the positive as my brain rewires more.
Addiction is a strange beast. Even after 110 days clean I still crave a smoke. But at the same time, I am scared to have a smoke. It is a mental see-saw of sorts. Living life without any drugs is so new to me. I have self medicated for 25 years. I know there are others who have smoked for longer, but feels like most of my life. Like I am having to rediscover how to live.
I had a brother who committed suicide over 10 years ago due to having a terminal disease. I am now my father's only son so cannot commit suicide. I do think about it quite often. Like restarting a computer game when you are not winning. Unfortunately, life is not like a computer game. There are no saved games to reload. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I know there is no real timeline for recovery. Wish I knew how long it will take for my brain to rewire. Want to stop feeling so 'blah'. Like nothing gives me any pleasure any more. Tried watching some movies I have on my laptop, just could not get into them like I used to. I have associated enjoying everything with needing a joint. I used to play computer games every spare minute I had, now I just cannot. Again, this is due to always having a joint while playing games.
When I first quit, anxiety was huge, that has now been replaced by a massive empty feeling. My doctor says it is depression and wants me to take anti depressants. I have tried 2 anti depressants during my recovery, both made me feel a lot worse. Do not want to use any more drugs. Read a lot about people getting addicted to anti depressants, do not want to get addicted to them. Still taking natural amino acids. L-Theanine, L-Tyrosine and 5HTP. Hoping these will kick start my body to produce neurotransmitters naturally again. Life without the brains natural happy drugs feels horrible. Also now taking a supplement to help my adrenal glands. So many years of using marijuana can affect your adrenal glands as well.
I think I need to give myself a break. Stop trying to rush my recovery. 110 days seems like an eternity, but it is only a small length of time compared to the years I was on marijuana. Keep reminding myself 'one day at a time'. Obsessing about what might happen in the future only causes me to feel bad. No one can predict the future. No one knows what will happen. Difficult to see a way ahead when you are in a hole.
Man, my posts are rather negative. But does help to share. At the very least it externalises my thoughts rather than bottling them up inside.
Now that I have 2 months to wait for next court date I am going to go and spend a few days out at my mothers place (my parents are split up). My Mum lives an hour from here with my step father. It is helpful to have a change of surroundings.
Ok, time to sign off. Sun is setting here, day is ending, evening approaching.
Does anyone know how I can change the title of my post? 'Day 73 Challenging' is no longer really appropriate. Want to change it to something better.
So, fellow recovering addicts, look after yourselves. Hopefully your recovery is not as difficult as mine is proving to be. I am pretty sure that unless you have been 25 years addicted, lost your job, face possible criminal conviction, have had to move back into your Dads place at 39 years old that your recovery should be slightly easier than mine. So, if I can stay clean for 110 days with all of this happening to me, hopefully it gives you hope that there is always someone worse off than you. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to look back on this stage of my life and see it for what it is. For now, I am just living day by day.
Another random post that may not make much sense, but neither does my mind at the moment.

[Unregistered]

Hi cybermanz!
119 days here im on the same stage.. hard to get pleasure from things.
Let's have Hope!

[MadeInChina]

Hey Cybermanz, really sorry to hear all you've been going through. I wish I could knew of something quick easy and effective.

Are you a fairly solitary person?

I know it won't eliminate the things that are stressing you at the moment, and usually if I'm in low spirits nothing tickles me, but if I kind of force myself to laugh at things even not finding them particularly hilarious and try to keep my mind of things, it does bring my spirits up a bit. I always crave a spliff when I'm watching something comical but it doesn't particularly mean that it's impossible to be comical without it

A bunch of suggestions maybe?
South Park, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, American Dad.
Russell Howards Good News, Jimmy Carr for youtube, Frankie Boyle for youtube for dark humour or Tramadol Nights (Frankie Boyle show) is online for UK users if you google it. Ricky Gervais on Youtube, or The Ricky Gervais show (personally don't like it), that show with Karl Pilkington thats not the Ricky Gervais Show, Wonder Showzen, Lee Evans on Youtube, Russell Peters (racist pakistani comedian), Margaret Cho (racist bisexual leftwing comedian), Bobs burgers. Angry Boys, Summer Heights High.

Not sure if any of this type of humour tickles your fancy, just throwing a few things in there. I hope things get better for you soon, your story and self-restraint is inspirational to me, especially considering how low you feel to how restrained you are at toking up!