Soooo.... I've been smoking pretty much daily for nearly eight years. Typical story I suppose. Started with friends, social thing. Then we were doing it all the time. Then I dropped out of Uni and found myself with three or four folks and we just smoked, and smoked, and smoked, and I reckon convinced ourselves we were really close friends. Then it happened, I found myself smoking alone (even though I always used to say, the moment you smoke by yourself, you're hooked) but it was always rationalised. I never really accepted I was addicted.
Then something happened in me four years ago, I had a major nervous breakdown, deep depression, but I never connected it to smoking. Panic attacks followed, severe anxiety, I really thought I was dying. I was put on antidepressants and somehow managed to function again (but quickly came OFF the anti-D's, were causing more trouble than good, dangerous things, quit them cold turkey somehow, I was on a serious dose, doctor was amazed but I do feel I was just lucky...) But I still smoked.... a LOT. And it's not really until a year and a half ago when I developed wheezing when exercising I really thought.... shit, what am I doing to myself. Also, my parents found out my habit, my friends, and I smoke a lot with my brother (who I never really had a relationship with before we smoked pot together) and also I all of my close friends smoke.
When I take a look back at what I've done with my best friend for the last 5 years, it's just smoke. That's all we do. And he refuses to admit he's addicted. For me, I can admit it now. I quit for 2 months at the end of 2009, but Christmas came around, and I said "Just one joint for Christmas..." and you know the rest. Somehow, I've managed to get and keep a good job, and job hop a couple of times and now I'm in a really great position, and I just cannot support smoking weed daily anymore. I NEED to respect myself more. I have so much to offer and so many things to achieve. The weed is ****ing my brain up and my body, my eyes, my social life. When I don't smoke, first thing I feel is I want to CONNECT with people. It's like a mini awakening each time. And I got THAT POWERFUL URGE to just stop. To put it down. To end the ****ing madness.
So what made me do it this time? Well, I had the hangover from hell yesterday, and that never really makes me wanna smoke chronic anyway, so yesterday was a good time to reflect on my life and I watched this YouTube video which I found SO very helpful. Because I'm new it won't let me post a link to YouTube, but visit the site and put the following in the search bar, you'll find the interview at the top.... very good video "Present! - Overcoming Marijuana Addiction"
Weed has been my best friend, and my worst enemy. I don't actually ENJOY being high anymore. Especially in the last few months, I've been thinking about rolling up another joint while smoking the end of the current one. That scares me. What do I do when weed high isn't enough for me? Tonight is my first REAL night going to bed without smoking weed, and I'm so proud of myself that I had the means to buy an 8th since I finished work at 6pm and I've not done it. I don't expect to sleep well...so I'm dancing around like an idiot to try and tire myself out, but got a craving and thought I'd come on here and type it out for a while.
But I am looking FORWARD to jumping out of bed in the morning, alert and not with a highover. To fill my evenings with interesting fun activities and not just counting the hours until I can get smashed and do nothing. Just turn into a zombie and eat shit. And it seems you are all such supportive people, so HELLO, how are you all doing? I'd love to hear from anyone.
Edit: However I do want to stress that I am pretty scared about what's going to happen. The physical symptoms. Because I do have a history of anxiety and panic attacks, and they are ****ing scary. But I need to be strong. And I will not smoke again. So.... here goes....