Keep me honest

[abiogenesis]

Hi NotMyRealName,



How is it going? I hope you're doing fine and having a better time.

Please keep us updated

All the best,

[NotMyRealName]

Hi abiogenesis,

I am going OK in some senses, and awfully in others.

I have had no desire at all to smoke marijuana, and I am slowly getting more done in my life, but only in a physical sense. I am still finding it so hard to think quickly, to remember things, to do calculations in my head, to plan. It is horrible! Before (when I was smoking) I always had such a fantastic memory, could quote passages from a book I may have read months ago, could think strategically twenty steps ahead, etc. Now, all of this is gone. I feel like Superman when he gave up his special powers so he could have a relationship with Lois Lane.

I am really hoping that this is only temporary (although it doesn't seem to be improving very rapidly). At the moment it is the middle of the summer holidays, and no-one expects too much from anyone, but once work resumes in ernest I am not sure I will be able to function if my head doesn't clear. I am now sleeping well, so I can't put it down to sleep deprivation. I have honestly considered taking up smoking again - not because I feel like it, but to improve my mental function. Anyhow, I am holding out for the time being.

I am also always dizzy, as I said, like I am on the deck of a ship.

I really hope this passes soon.

[BFB]

Hang in there buddy, it really does sound like you are experiencing a pretty significant withdrawal, but I am fairly sure that’s all it is, people who don’t normally use the drug don’t experience this because they don’t use it, it’s not something the human body naturally needs, so I am pretty sure it’s just a symptom of discontinuation after becoming dependent on it that is messing up your brains chemistry and affecting your memory and cognitive behaviour, but like I say withdrawal symptoms from discontinuation from any drug will pass, so just try to hang in there buddy if you can. I know it sucks, you are doing really well!

Take care and please keep us posted.

[NotMyRealName]

Hi BFB,

thanks for the encouragement. As I said some post way back, one of the best things about this site was seeing that what I am going through is just part of the withdrawal, amd that I am not alone. If I hadn't found this site, read other people's experiences, etc, I would have been really worried about what is happening to me at the moment.

I am hanging in there, it is not a whole lot of fun, but if I've come this far I may as well see it through. As far as I'm concerned, any unusual symptoms I experience for the first six weeks I am going to put down to withdrawal - after that I might get a bit worried. I have started to feel a little better since I last posted, and even managed to multi-task a little yesterday, but am still not up to reading a book. Headaches and dizziness, as well as awful tiredness, persist, but I know (hope!) it will eventually go away.

The only part of the withdrawal I was actually looking forward to (having read other people's experiences) was the full-on dreams, but as I never totally stopped dreaming when I was smoking, I haven't actually experienced this. I have, however, had several dreams where I have had a smoke again - either because I decided to go and score again, or have been offered some at a party, and even in the dream I have been a bit disappointed in myself, but also glad as I knew it would end the horrible symptoms.

I am hanging in there, and it is mainly thanks to this site.

Thanks again.

[abiogenesis]

Hi NotMyRealName,

I'm sorry that I asked how you're doing but then didn't reply, one reason was BFB's fullfilling reply, and the other reason was I'm actually not doing very good these days and a little isolated myself from doing pretty much anything. I'm sober over 6 months now, but as I said before, my addiction happened to be a hurricane in my life and social skills and still couldn't get over with it yet. Especially because I'm jobless at the moment, I was doing a physics PhD but I messed it up because of my weed problem, and couldn't achieve to quit and doing a PhD at the same time and hence quit PhD for the sake of recovering from addiction. And it did work actually, I achieved to quit weed, but my life is quite depressing at the moment, I have no contact with people, staying at home all day sucks out all my energy. Being in a foreign country when trying to quit an addiction really sucks! But still I'm trying to be proud of myself, because I'm not getting stoned and that's the most important thing for me to do for the sake of my life and psychology in long term. Anyway, I have an interview with ASML next week, if I achieve to get a contract with them, I believe this will be a milestone in my recovery because only then the social aspects of my addiction will be getting adressed.

I wrote above paragraph for two reasons: firstly and most importantly I also need to share my feelings And secondly, to give you a little more perspective about the long term. What I mean is, getting over with the withdrawals is something, but building a new life over it is another thing. Ofcourse you still have your job, but we should built a new way of living where we don't need weed anymore. For me it's about finding a new suitable job, because my main fullfillment in life always relied on my cognitions, and I wasted them with weed, but if I find a good job where I could utilize my intelligent, then I believe things will start to settle for me.

It's a journey we all are living, life itself is a journey actually through space and time during which we have a continous flow of ideas and emotions, I believe drugs freeze this journey because they interrupt with the flow, and we should stay with the flow even it's not always hill up.

Hang in there and stay with the flow, it's the only way of experiencing new things in life, and remember that clear waters are not that much ahead of you.

All the best and take care,

[BFB]

It’s good to hear you are feeling a little better, like I say I am sure it is just withdrawal, I have never heard of people suffering from these kind of effects from not taking cannabis unless it’s some kind of withdrawal and that is guaranteed to pass.

Hey abiogenesis, I am sorry to hear you are feeling a little rough at the moment, you have been doing and I am sure everybody else here would agree with me such a wonderful job as a moderator and supporting others that it is easy to forget that you are still going through the roller coaster that is quitting marijuana yourself and it is one heck of a roller coaster, I have read many posts where people experience intense ups and downs and get flung around a lot along the way, the fact that you have been managing to do what you have while going through this is truly amazing.

Having too much time to fill when trying to deal with an addiction can be a major challenge and from my experience it’s extremely important to divert your attention as much as possible during this time, I know been unemployed at the moment must make this all the harder, so it’s probably important to make an effort to stay as busy as possible and if possible try to get some regular exercise, maybe get out there and suck in some fresh air, try to make sure you get out regularly and maybe even see some friends if you can, that will also help to chase the blues away.

Anyway hang in there guys, there will be ups there will be downs, but as long as you hang on you will get there in the end.

Speak soon and all the best.

[abiogenesis]

Hi BFB,

Many thanks for your reply, your words always mean a lot to me and my chin always gets up when I get a reaction from you Getting fresh air regularly and doing exercise is something I'm missing last months actually. I got stuck at home too much lately, and this is also a vicious cycle, the more you don't go out, the more you wanna stay home, then the more you don't wanna go out.. And the strange thing is I'm experiencing the withdrawals all over again, especially the vivid strange dreams and mood swings. May be it's wrong to call them as withdrawals, these are due to my current psycho/social situation I guess. Though, I know that there is a concept called "post acute withdrawals" but enough of definitions, once I was hell of a nihilistic guy who refused to accept any kind of definitions and defined values but addiction has been hell of a experience which turned upside down all my beliefs i guess

All the best,

[BFB]

Yeah I know what you mean vicious cycles can creep up on you so easily, personally I think regular exercise is one of the major weapons in our arsenal when it comes to beating addiction, not only is it a healthy way to occupy our time but it is so good at releasing so many of those feel good chemicals that quitting drugs can leave us lacking in, it’s a great natural way to remedy this problem, so if you can try to make a super big effort to do a brisk 30 minute walk everyday or something, I have slipped a bit myself with this lately and also need to make more of an effort in this area. Anyway here’s to getting our asses back into gear and getting a bit more fresh air.

All the best and speak soon.

[NotMyRealName]

Hi abiogenesis,

I saw your post yesterday, but was so flat out with my children that I didn't have a chance to reply, and now that I do I see that things have moved on a bit.

What I wanted to say was that (in agreeance with BFB) that you really do do a great job of being an administrator, and that if it hadn't been for you I really might have relapsed by day four (or something). Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember the post where in the morning I was feeling so great, but by the evening I was so down (although, as I said, that was mainly due to the many dead people and the snake in my house) - it passed, and all things will pass. Somewhere, sometime, (see, my memory is still shot, although improving) I was told that one of the best things one can say to oneself, both when happy or sad, is "this, too, will pass".

Everyone's situation is different - I do have a job, but I only work one or two days a week, which leaves so much empty time, and I remember (I think) somewhere you saying that it was only the the help of a supportive spouse that got you throught the tough bits of quitting. Personally, I would happily be unemployed if only I had one person who I could feel close to, could communicate with. But, the grass is always greener . . .

I have been keeping myself very busy, mainly by catching up on all the things I put of until "when I get around to it" when I was smoking. I am not sure what I will do when I clear the decks, but that's for another day. The other night I had a great artistic idea (I was very worried I could only have them when stoned), so I think things might be alright. My memory is still poor, but I can think a bit better now, and whilst I am so PROFOUNDLY tired all the time, I push myself through it, knowing that it is all in my head. I have dreams a lot of my nasty ex-wife being horrible about the divorce (which is, unfortunately, the same as waking life), and often dream (in this situation) of using again to de-stress, but am always disappointed in myself.

Don't feel bad about yourself - you saved me, and perhaps heaps of people who have read a lot of these threads but never posted.

As you mentioned you were doing a PhD in physics, can I ask you a question? My daughter asked me what shape sub-atomic particles were. I told her that they didn't have a shape, strange as that may seem (due to quantum unceratinty). Was I correct, or was I misleading her?

[abiogenesis]

Hi NotMyRealName,

Thanks for your support and encouraging words. It makes me really happy if I am able to do some good for people. The question about the subatomic particles, though I am not an expert of this area, I can say that problem lies in the fact the nature of the matter in the quantum level does not behave according to our common sense. And the answer you give is a correct one. We model these particles like probability density clouds called wave function. And the uncertainty principle says that we can not say where they are located and how fast they are going with certainty. So, we don't have any idea about how big they are or what shape would they have, actually there is no place for the concept of 'shape' in this model, we simply calculate their probability distributions and momentum, and that's all we need. By the way, what's the age of your daughter? I mean I would feel very proud if my daughter were to ask me the shapes of subatomic particles

All the best,