First of I've had a quick look through the posts on here and although what I'm saying might be a bit generic it's how I'm feeling right now and I could do with some experienced from other people who have and are currently in my situation because I'm pulling my hair out back here (well wish I was because I cant be bothered).
Secondly sorry about the daft user name.
I'm 31 at the moment, I've smoked weed since I was about 15/16, I've stopped before and was off it for around 5 years and this was about 5 years ago.
Right now I dont know if my problems are me or weed induced.
Emotionally I'm disconnected, the few emotions I do seem to experience are those of slight paranoia and feeling down.
I'm not getting excited anymore, I'm not driven, I cant muster up energy to do anything I want to do, all my passion has left me, I'm a mad petrol head however cant be bothered getting involved anymore, no matter how much I love my driving and being stoned is taking away all the precision in my life, for example I can quite easily do a task to 90% completion and leave it there. I'm having problems remembering things and I'm making mistakes, work and personal.
I'm also a software developer, can I be arsed getting through work/fun stuff in my own terms, NO.
I've withdrawn from my friends, my family, I'm avoiding social interaction and my ability to communicate feels like its deteriorating so much I might not be able to speak at all if I dont do something about it. I'm feeling inadequate when I engage people now, I feel trapped here, I feel I cant get out of this and worse Im starting to believe that its me and this is how I am.
I suspect that having smoked for so long and nearly every day that its interfering with my day to day life, I dont smoke during the day and just being stoned forces me so deep into myself its hard to get back out even after a day or two straight, I'm sluggish, forgetfull, even my concept of time is deteriorating, when I do get into a conversation I cant think of what to say, even this rambling post of mine was an effort to come up with the points I wanted to.
My flipside is this, I love my cars, madly passionate and pride myself on my driving ability (not a boy racer tho lol)
I write software, not that easy for a layman so I cant be an idiot.
I work out, I try to keep myself healthy and I do a demanding workout at that.
I like to be good at my job and I work hard (twice as hard because I have to fight through a stoned haze first)
I like to learn, do things, dance, laugh and love but I'm struggling now.
I worked in finance utill the recession, went back to uni merited 80% of the course and this is me just going back to work now, I even got a pretty good job with a great employer, one of the VERY few developer jobs around at the moment. My drive does exist and its potent but I've not felt it in so long, I have to really work to get myself through
Worst of all I feel lonely and disconnected and I want back in the game. Can I?
Anyone going through or been through this or similar, please chip in.
Sorry about the essay and thanks for reading