Hey guys, hope you are all fighting the good fight and those of you who have started counting the days I say well on and stay strong. I have not yet quit, sob sob, I had set April 11th as my (new) quit date and I had about three days to 'cultivate my resolve'. I did something different this time, a good thing, which is I opened up to my mother who I knew, knew about my use but didn't expect would actually be so supportive and understanding. She shared my pain and said that she still trusted me and expected big things from me, she also asked how she could help. I felt such an overflowing of emotion at this that I actually teared up and was surprised that I was so emotional being a man and all (tough grunt). I was keeping this suffering inside me and thought I was all alone in it. Turns out that she suffers right along with me. This was heavy for me. Though she lives in another country our e-mail exchanges were raw and real. I wish I had done that sooner. So I actually thought that this was it, I would quit for sure this time but I was still worried about what will happen, what if I relapse again? Won't that be just terrible, now considering that I have let mum in? I was now setting up for new guilt on top of all the old guilt: now my mother is in on it. Instead of building up resolve to quit, I was building up worry that I would FAIL AGAIN LIKE USUAL. So I woke up on the 11th and went straight to the dealers and bought my weed and smoked the damn things in a weird way thinking that all that quitting business with my mother was just bullshit and weed is here to stay and this joint sure smells awesome. Later I sat there waiting for the guilt as I know it comes with pictures of my uselessness and loserhood, it came.
I didn't mean to give my life history just giving a background to my train of thought which led my to my question which is: how responsible am I in my behavior? Because I KNOW that this drug is bad and I WANT to stop doing it, but I am NOT. I am not in denial of the effects and negative consequences of this drug. So there must be something that is subverting my will, that is rendering reason and logic useless.
So I am seeking an answer to this question which I know is opening a decades-old debate in some scientific/academic circles, but rather than listening to some stuffy shirt college professor, I'd rather hear it from these horses mouths : ) I am looking for as objective a truth as possible free from all respective personal issues and baggage, are we all just sick or are we simply irresponsible? I am sick and tired of relapsing.