I just wanted to post here since I haven't posted in some time. Next week I will be one year clean from marijuana, along with any other chemical substances, except for caffeine and nicotine.
Marijuana was my drug of choice. But the longer I have been weed free, I have slowly begun to realize over the last year that it isn't so much about the pot: it is about me. Weed just happened to be what I used to deal with life, as others pick their own drugs/behaviors of choice, like alcohol, narcotics, sex, food, you name it.
Personally, if you asked me a year ago if I could stop smoking weed for even a few days, I wouldn't have thought that was possible. It's literally mind boggling that I have been marijuana free this long. But this length of time is rather insignificant, because I have to be mindful from day to day, minute to minute. Once I rest on my laurels, I am dangerous to myself.
I generally used every day, from when I got home from work or school until I went to sleep. I used like this for about 6 years straight, but used pot in varying fashion for about 13 years, and held it very important in my life. And it was great at first: I loved getting high with friends, doing art while high, and listening to music while high.
But somewhere along the way, it caught up with me. No experience was good enough without pot. For nearly the last 6 years, I used by myself mostly, and would lock my doors and not talk to anybody when using. I became afraid of answering my phone or opening my door. I wanted to create the "perfect" reality for myself, and every time before I got high I thought it would be just that, only to be let down yet again: over and over and over. But that's how the vicious cycle happens.
A traumatic fallout happened last year which involved a relationship, and it seemed like hell. I had been spiraling down into bad depression over the last 6 months or so of getting high, but had bouts for years. The using was clearly exacerbating my depression, considering I am already predisposed to it. I hit bottom, and while it seemed like hell a year ago, I would not change a thing. Life, reality, "what is", whatever you want to call it, gave me what I needed, as it always has done. And I haven't realized that for very long.
What I can say is that the only way I have been able to stay clean is to fit healthy action into my life. Quite simply, I cannot "think" my way out of my problems. I have to accept my problems, and work from there to be mindful. If my sobriety wasn't part of an overall greater, healthier change in my life, it simply wouldn't happen.
So I have realized that I don't have to stay clean. I choose to be clean, this very moment.
Mind you, this is not about perfection. To the contrary, it is about being aware of my imperfections. It is all about awareness. It is about taking action, not trying to think my way out of addiction, because that would never work.
I have realized that becoming marijuana free comes down to this: Is it bad enough? I didn't quit because I wanted to, I quit because it was bad enough, and the awareness gained during a few weeks/months clean showed me how bad it really was.
I could go on and on, but stop here to say that I wish all of you the best and you have my good will and compassion. I know it can be difficult, especially with pot because there are so many misconceptions about pot I don't know where to begin.