Hi I'm new here. It seems I didn't even notice the seriousness of my addiction/dependence until January. After almost 6 years smoking cannabis was bringing me down or at least that was when I realized. Honestly, I have never been too realistic about my future and have always looked for quick satisfactions, so I guess these aspects of my personality made me even more vulnerable to cannabis dependence because as we all know its the feeling of instant well-being that keeps us hooked in many cases.
At school, around 16yrs old, my friend fell into a small crowd of stoners and so I curiously observed to see if there were ill effects. I saw more joy in them that I wanted some and so it started. Being with stoners made me feel great, although really its probably the weed enhancing the situations... actually definitely. I neglected my other schoolm8s and I am so so sorry that I did. Now they are successes of some kind, jobs, girlfriends, career prospects and social lives that I don't feel a part of because I have not lived up to a normal standard.
I have had trouble with study for years and now I fear it is too late to change, like I've lost hope. People seem to grasp conversation and meeting new people so much easier than I. I seem to forget who I am around most and sometimes all people and it worries me so much because I'm missing out on a somewhat successful life. Are things really going to change, because I am losing hope that I thought I had.
Yesterday I was so depressed I was thinking that no-one would miss me and that even my family would get over me quick enough. I spend alot of time alone and only once a week with friends, who are stoners, and there something like I want to be comfortable around them but I end up being quiet and isolated. I think I'll make a doctors appointment soon, I've already recieved some therapy but I feel like I need a life coach or something to really change my ways.
I know in my good heart I should not start the smoke again but then I think, is this worth it? How low must I feel, I guess this is punishment for the false highs. I want to be my good old self again, who could be more open and learn easier and work effectively without so much difficulty. If you read my rant, thanks and well done.